People...

I think we often give other people too much strength. We care too much what they think, we are affected by their decisions and choices. Why can't we just be? Just be happy and content with who WE are and not really be that affected by other peoples thoughts and decisions? If only it were so easy...
Not only that, but I think we let other people stress us out without even realizing it. Throughout the past year and a half, I have worked at a store downtown. For most of that time, there was a person who would come into the store to... 'help out', lets say, and this person would constantly stress us all out. I found myself with this incredibly suffocating tension around my neck and shoulders. It was brutal. When this individual was eventually let go, that tension disappeared. I did not put two and two together until yesterday when I was told that this individual would be coming in to see something today. Almost instantly that tension, that blinding pain, was back. Today as well, as we waited with uncertainty for this person to show up, the tension kept mounting and mounting... it turns out that they were unavoidably detained today *cough* and will not be coming in until tomorrow. At an hour when I am not at the store. I will not see them. All of this tension for nothing.
But why did it happen? I am one of those people who can 'talk a good talk' away from people that stress me out. I can think about what to say to them, make up scenarios and conversations in my mind as to what I would ultimately LIKE to say to them... yet given the opportunity, I back down. I am polite and sweet. Why does this happen? With a few other people in my life this happens as well. I cannot speak my mind around them. Granted, I would never do it in a malicious way. I am tactful enough to be able to speak my mind without intentionally or mistakingly hurting anyone else. Yet I cannot do this. I clam up. I cannot express my true feelings.
Why is this!? Does it stem from a lack of self esteem? Do I still believe that my opinion is not important, merely because it is mine? Of is it that underlying need for people to like me?
Whatever it is, it is starting to slowly drive me insane. I live in fear of encountering these people that I would like to speak my mind to, on one of their bad days. On one of those days when they will, undoubtedly, take a negative situation out on me. I know it will happen. I know it is coming... it is just a matter of time... and that thought petrifies me.
How do I let go of these chains? How do I stop allowing people to have so much power?
I think it comes down to my relationship with God. Am I truly depending on Him as much as I need to? Do I actually trust Him to take care of certain situations? Do I prayerfully depend on Him to help me show His love to these people? No. I don't. And I'm beginning to understand that right now, more than anything, this is something that needs to be worked on. Because I cannot keep letting these people have a power over me. I should not have a physical, painful reaction at the thought of seeing someone. This is no way to live. And I am going to try to fight for this to end. Maybe the revolution is finally here...
blessings and love
Deena