Jen and Jeff's Wedding

It seems extremely fitting that I would be broken at my dear friend Jen's wedding. Broken continually throughout the whole night... was not something that I was expecting on prepared for.
It was a beautiful wedding. My parents were supposed to come out, but were unable to make it, so my dear friend Dalton stepped up and was a fabulous date. He held his own in the crowds as I reconnected with friends, ended up on stage playing bongos with the band, lead the singing when the mics suddenly stopped working, got me on the dance floor, and even danced with the grooms mom! A good date! haha.
Jen is a very special friend. A very special friend that I have slowly pushed very gently out of my life these past few months... though I'm not sure why.
Bruxy, my pastor, once said that when we are going through hard times spiritually, we tend to push away our good Christian friends because we are afraid that they will judge us. Well, I KNOW Jen and there is no way she would ever judge anyone. Yet somehow my subconscious started pushing and without realizing, I let it happen.
Jen has known me longer than most of my friends. This summer is our 10th anniversary of meeting. She was 22, I was 15, when we met. She describes me as a very dark teenager, and describes the different now as a change from darkness to light. Somehow though, I think that the darkness has seeped a bit back in...
Jen has been there for me through it all... I don't know if she realizes it or not, but she is one the most important spiritual leaders in my life. I have no idea why she loves me. Yet she does. Maybe she sees the hurt that other people don't tend to see. Maybe it's because she's known me for so long. Maybe she knows that I just sometimes need a hug. Maybe.... I don't know.
Jen is the most beautiful person that I know. Hands down. Inside and out, she just exudes joy, love, laughter. I look at her and I see Jesus. Every time. It is by the grace of God alone that she found someone to share her life that is EXACTLY the same in this sense, in every way. Her new husband also shines with joy, love, laughter, life, and looks like Jesus as well. To witness these two get married today... what a treat. What a joy. To have them in my life, even if just in a small way... what an unbelievable blessing.
Jeff embraced me as well. Though I'm crazy and weird, he embraced me fully. I look at the two of them and see how a relatinoship should be. Love. Openness. Communication. Focused on Jesus. They LIVE. They don't just merely survive. These are two people filled with life. And a life that is completely, 100% centered around Christ. I long for that... I strive for that... and I feel like I fall so short...
So today, you could feel the joy. You could feel the love. And this is why it was the most amazing and touching wedding that I have ever been to. Because the love that they share, they joy that they feel, it is infectious. And you cannot help but feel it as well, when they are around.
It is extremely fitting that I was continually broken today... because Jen is an inspiration to me. She is one of my heros. In every way possible. To see her so happy... I almost cried the last time I hugged her... I don't think she knew I was choking back tears... she was probably thinking 'why does she keep hugging me?'. I felt so much overwhelming love for her... I've seen her go through bad relationships in the past. To see this love... to see that this love is REAL... it's a miracle to my eyes. It's beautiful. It makes me cry.
And so today... as I humbly struggle to sweep together the pieces of a relationship with Christ that I have somehow left by the wayside, I was broken. At my beautiful friends' wedding. And that brokenness has never felt so right...
Blessings and love
Deena