feelings...

I've started carrying around a little pad of paper and a pen with me everywhere I go. I wrote this on a 45 minute subway ride yesterday to go for tea with my friend before going to ballet. Because I write slower than I type, it might not make as much sense (my thoughts fly past quickly) but here you go... this is what came out. I hope you like it...? ha.

As I struggle in vain to get over my latest crush, who is moving, I can't help but wonder where those feelings will go? Will they just simply disappear? Will they stay and just get deflected onto someone else? Do they change like water into different things made out of the same feeling? Moving into ice and gas seamlessly, into dislike and happiness?
Sometimes I think that is what happens when we break up with someone... the same feeling, that lump of emotions that saturates our entire being, changes from one thing to the next... anger, hope, pain, sorrow... and ultimately a numb, dull feeling that cannot really be labeled as much of anything. But sometimes I think that these feelings never really leave us. Sometimes I think that either initially or right after we have entered that confusing numb attack, our feelings merely hide on us. They set up camp in some dusty corner of our minds that we hardly ever use so we barely ever realize that these feelings still exist... I like to think that my feelings have camped out in the part of my brain meant for math and physics. That would explain so much.
Every so often these feelings wave their hands, which causes a memory to pop up and our heart to stir. Depending on how intense these feelings were to begin with, they may or may not be able to catch our attention. And the first time that we are able to ignore or avoid those feelings, they then disappear, move out.
Depending on initial attachment, I like to think that the feelings are forced to leave after 5 years... there is limited space... some, unfortunately cling on and will not leave.
What happens to the ones that are kicked out? Do we just completely forget that person? Or is it in that moment that we are able to finally look on the person with fondness again? Maybe that's it.
Maybe feelings are malleable. Maybe they mold and change and never really leave us, taking us on random roller coaster rides and through soft and beautiful meadows.
But can we actually change them or is it just a long process that we are forced to endure? Letting them set up camp until they are forced out of changed into fond memories by time and time only? I sometimes wish we could manipulate our feelings, control them. Sometimes, I guess, we can. But I think it's those times when we want to control our feelings the most that we are least able to do just that. That's my experience anyways. And right now... I am incredibly sad. And unfortunately, I cannot change that feeling.
Dang it.
Blessings and love,
Deena