happily ever after

I think to a large extent, Hollywood has ruined us... as I say goodbye to the current object of my affection, a guy who has no idea (or if he does, is gracefully choosing to ignore this fact which... is probably for the best) that I am into him, I realize that secretly I want to do something crazy. I want to rush to the airport before he leaves and confess my feelings, much like Ross in Friends. I want to make some grand gesture. Haha. But no, I'm not that cheesy. No, I'm not that forward. No. It will not, ever, EVER, happen. But still... a small part of me wants to. Because a small part of me believes that this is what happily ever after is made out of. Grand gestures. Because this is what Hollywood has lead me to believe.
But does happily ever after actually exist? I realize that relationships require work. That there is always some give and take to them. My last serious relationship was so flawed... so full of me trying to be perfect for the guy... that I'm not even sure what a relationship should look like. It frightens me. This is why, I think, that after over a year of knowing this guy, I didn't realize my feelings for him until now. Now, when he's leaving. Typical. Because it's safe. Because it would never happen. Because that grand gesture that Hollywood wants me to make will never happen. Lame. I'm kind of lame.
Speaking of that horrible past relationship... my ex contacted me yesterday. Why? I don't know. But it made me mad. I wish he could just leave me alone. He's long since moved on. I'm still shoveling up the pieces. I still see the sadness in my eyes at times... the sadness that somehow appeared on that Wednesday when he told me it was over. That sadness that has stayed with me until now. That encouraged me to make stupid decisions in foreign places. That has tainted every decision towards guys I have made since. Because for the second time in my life, I thought I would marry this ex. For the first time in my life, that person decided on his own that it wasn't going to happen. How do you ever deal with that? How do you ever deal with and get past the fact that you were not good enough for someone? That is a difficult reality to face.
But I try to move on. I try not to think about it, I try not to care. But in doing so, have I let myself heal? I'm not so sure anymore. Can I even be free to look for love if I have such a hard time letting go of this last love? Or will the chains that still hold me eventually fall off when some new man sweeps me off my feet? Who knows. I guess only time will tell.
So I'll move on. Past this current crush, suppressing my feelings once again, past the ex, ignoring the problem all over again, and look forward to the future. And though it is extremely naive to believe in fairy tale endings and happily ever after... a little bit of me does. A little part of me believes in the magic of movies. And for now, right now in this moment, I will cling to that. And I'll get through. And it will be ok. It always is.
Blessings and love,
Deena