Emotional habits

A talk with a friend last night prompted many thoughts throughout the night and this morning...
He had mentioned how it had been a difficult summer for him, how he had encountered many negative and even destructive thoughts. He then suggested that I would obviously have no idea what he was talking about or be able to understand... haha. How wrong he was.
I grew up in a small town. My school, K-12 was 600 people. My graduating class was 32, I believe. When you grow up in these conditions, there is no way to make a new, fresh start. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the 'cool kids' in my school, right from grade 1 on, hated me. Made fun of me. Called me fat, ugly, worthless... and what do you do when you're a child being told these things by the people that you want to be like? You believe them.
I grew up with 2 battling thoughts and ideas in my head... my upbringing (and continuing belief and practice) in the Christian church lead me to believe that I was a beautiful creation, that God did not make mistakes. Yet my reality showed me that I was worthless. Ugly. Not needed. Not important. Through a series of events, I learned not to trust people. I learned to be careful. But I also learned to lie... because I didn't believe that people would like the real me. I thought that I was so pathetic, I had to make up lies and schemes in order for people to like me.
Towards the end of grade 7, a new group of friends somehow invited me in. They loved me. They laughed with me. And in the beginning, I lied to them. Constantly. I didn't believe, I didn't trust that they would care about me. Slowly, I let my guard down. And slowly they embraced me. Slowly I became a real person, instead of a shallow shell that merely existed. I started to dream. I started to live. For that, for them, I am forever grateful.
But depression runs in my family and it soon hit. Many of my years were spent with laughter on the outside and pain on the inside. In college I started seeing images of myself hanging from buildings... and one day God took that all away. The images. I still struggled, still worried that no one cared, even though anyone who knew me would tell you that I was extremely popular.
The musician Moby has made a great impact on my life. But it was not his music that first drew me to him, it was an interview I saw of him on Much Music in which one of the VJ's asked him why, in light of all of his success, he still seemed depressed, still was hard on himself. "It's hard to change the emotional habits of a lifetime" Moby responded. I was hooked. Because I agreed and could relate.
This conversation with my friend last night helped me to see something. As he told me about how he had put his music off throughout the summer, how he had no passion for it, I was reminded of the fact that when I get depressed or even just down, I barely practice. But when I start to practice again, my spirits rise.
I am never happier than when I am singing. I often forget this.
Having just done a performance a week ago, I can tell you that as I've grown up, as I've matured, as I've become more confident in my music, I have become more confident as a person. The same is in reverse. As I have become more confident as a person, stood up for myself in many instances, I have become a much more confident singer. The two, for me, go hand in hand. As I've dove head first into my dream, it has held me with gentle arms, allowing me to grow and change myself into a stronger, more passionate, more confident person. Music is my life. Music leads me back to God when I have gone astray. Music continually breaks me. Music reminds me that I am loved. Music, singing, is a part of my soul.
I still have a difficult time believing the positive about me. When people, friends, tell me that I did a good job performing, though I thank them and appreciate it, these words never penetrate my heart, I don't think that I ever truly believe them. Yet, after the performance last Friday, a gentleman that I had never met came up to me and said "You have a beautiful voice. Truly. Keep singing". And for once... for once I believed it.
I'm still learning. Still growing. Still trying to figure life out. But aren't we all?
Blessings and love
Deena