the wrong man...

So here's an interesting scenario.
In order to get to the aforementioned bathroom at work, we go through a small corridor and it's not a big deal. Unless it is after 5 pm. After 5, we have to walk around, make a few turns, past the mail room, down another corridor until we finally are greeted with our prize: the bathroom with many stalls and the unbelievably small passageway (that always smells strangely of potpourri). But this has already been discussed.
Every so often, in the past 6 months or so, a decently handsome, slightly darker man has stopped me, looked me straight in the eye and told me that he thinks that I am beautiful and then wishes me a nice day. Well, ladies, I am not attracted to this individual, but that does not stop my heart from racing a little bit (I'm sure you know what I mean). This happened a few times until one fateful day, he stopped me, introduced himself and asked me if he could take me out sometime. I was taken back and really had to use the bathroom (i really dislike going to the bathroom. I sometimes think it's a big waste of time... so I usually wait until I have no other choice and then book it there. Healthy, I know). So I mumbled something about being in the beginning stages of something with someone (which I had assumed that I was) and hurried off. Well, nothing actually came to fruition with the guy that I told the white lie about. But I did not bother to correct myself. When I told this to the man, I had believed it to be true. He, in turn, backed off a little bit, but still would stop me and wave at me when he walked past my store. He bowed once (weird) and would stand and the doorway and yell at me (when I was at the other side of the store) to see how I was. Harmless. Kind of weird. Made for a good story. I dealt with it.
Then Thursday happened. Thursday, I was rushing to the bathroom as usual. It was almost closing time, so I was hurrying to help close up shop. I turned the corner and thought I was home free, when he came out of a different door and caught me completely off guard. He was pleasantly surprised to see me (as I grimaced to myself) and asked me how I was and if I was still 'married'. I laughed and mumbled something about how things were rocky (with a different guy now...) but whatever... and he was extremely happy about this. I made my quick get away, hoping not to see him on my way back. I came around the corner and surprise, surprise, he is standing there, seemingly waiting for me. We mumble something to each other and he comes in for a hug. Before and after the hug that I felt trapped into, which lasted way too long to be comfortable, he kissed my cheek. AWKWARD. I scurried off while he laughed at me and comment on the fact that I walk too fast. "This is how fast I walk" I smugly shot back at him. Thankfully I was able to avoid him on Friday.
So here is my question. Why is it that the ONE guy that pursues us is never the guy that we want? There is a guy in my life that I very much adore. But I have backed off a bit and now we barely talk. Nothing. And I think to myself... did I initiate the conversation before? Every time? Was it me that was keeping this 'thing' going? Call me old fashioned, but I need to be pursued. Due largely, I think, to low self-esteem, I need a guy to pursue me in order to even believe that he likes me (which I will have a difficult time believing either way, but it will be less difficult if he pursues). Why can't this man, who has said that he is into me, find the time to drop me a quick note? Call me without me dropping the hint that I would like him to? Take initiative for SOMETHING? But no. It won't happen. So I let it go. He's busy, I tell myself. Of course that's what it is. He's busy, he's going back to school, he's moving. Yeah. Ok. So? Then I look at my life. How incredibly busy I am. School, work, practice, music, rehearsals, planning a recital, trying to find time to write a book... all while dealing with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, insomnia, and lets face it, a very mild eating disorder of sorts. Ok... so I guess I'm busy too. Yet I made time to get in touch... I was even planning on visiting...
Why is it that the one guy we want to pursue us just doesn't get it? Why does this other guy, who I have all but pushed away, keep coming back for more? Why is he insatiable for me? And why can't this other guy feel the same? It just doesn't seem fair.
But this makes me wonder one or two things... 1. is something wrong with me? This is an issue we won't address, because the answer is too simple and obvious. Yes :o) 2. Is it that we, women, are too fickle? Do we keep waiting for Mr. Right, and will he ever come along? Sometimes I feel like I'm afraid of settling for someone who's great to me... he's great, sure, but is he great enough!? Why in the world are we so fickle? Maybe it's unfair to lump all of us into the same group. Why am I so fickle?! Why do I desire the one guy that I seem to not be able to have, when this perfectly nice gentleman comes a-knocking and pursuing and I know that he would treat me right?
I don't have the greatest self-esteem. Yet I seem to be convinced that the RIGHT guy is out there. Yet what if I am too caught up in myself to see him? What if I miss him?
As a Christian, I feel kind of hypocritical asking these questions... Deep down, I do believe that God has someone for me and that He will, eventually, bring us together. Yet these fears... these doubts... have a way of seeping in. Unfortunately, I have a difficult time getting them to stop. Pray for me?
Blessings and love,
Deena