Changes...

I wrote this on the subway today after hearing some rather... interesting and confusing news from home. Now it's starting to make sense in my mind, but this morning as I wrote, I was a wreck. I didn't understand. I felt barely sane. Completely discombobulated... these were my feelings at that time... I figured I might as well share... (I'm doing MUCH better now... sometimes you just have to get it out)

I feel like I have two constant things in my life. God and music. Everything else is constantly changing around me and inside of me...
As one of my closest friends heads back to Bible college... as I struggle to understand and comprehend difficult choices that are being made back at home and how these changes will affect my life... as I try in vain to understand new feelings and emotions that I did not know that I had... I wonder... how could I have prepared for this? For these events? Of course I realize that there is no way that I could have.
Sometimes I feel like emotions and situations sneak up behind us only to slap us in the face. A sneak attack, no warning. The death of a family member, the loss of a job, a surprise pregnancy... these awkward situations seemingly come out of nowhere and then what? What do we do? How do we deal? (Not that I am dealing with ANY of the above, they are just examples)
My brother told me last night that he thinks that I am a stronger person that I think I am... I'm really not so sure... maybe I sell myself short.
But I find myself shying away from situations instead of dealing with them. Sitting in my emotions instead of healing and moving forward. Sitting on the subway with my music blaring in order to block out the world and hopefully cloud some of the thoughts currently attacking my brain. Fefe Dobson, in one of my favorite songs, Revolutionary Song, sings that 'the deamons that stalk us will eventually turn to dust... together we can start this heeling...' but what if they remain until you try to deal with them? The demons? What if you're not sure how to even begin that process? What if... what if you're not sure how to reach out? Or feel too weak to face those demons head on?
You go through life longing for the revolution, but feel too small and insignificant to actually pick up a weapons and fight...
What if...
Blessings and love
Deena
p.s. sometimes you are so uncertain and afraid for the future that being in public is suffocating and at that moment, there is nothing more frightening.