People...

I think we often give other people too much strength. We care too much what they think, we are affected by their decisions and choices. Why can't we just be? Just be happy and content with who WE are and not really be that affected by other peoples thoughts and decisions? If only it were so easy...
Not only that, but I think we let other people stress us out without even realizing it. Throughout the past year and a half, I have worked at a store downtown. For most of that time, there was a person who would come into the store to... 'help out', lets say, and this person would constantly stress us all out. I found myself with this incredibly suffocating tension around my neck and shoulders. It was brutal. When this individual was eventually let go, that tension disappeared. I did not put two and two together until yesterday when I was told that this individual would be coming in to see something today. Almost instantly that tension, that blinding pain, was back. Today as well, as we waited with uncertainty for this person to show up, the tension kept mounting and mounting... it turns out that they were unavoidably detained today *cough* and will not be coming in until tomorrow. At an hour when I am not at the store. I will not see them. All of this tension for nothing.
But why did it happen? I am one of those people who can 'talk a good talk' away from people that stress me out. I can think about what to say to them, make up scenarios and conversations in my mind as to what I would ultimately LIKE to say to them... yet given the opportunity, I back down. I am polite and sweet. Why does this happen? With a few other people in my life this happens as well. I cannot speak my mind around them. Granted, I would never do it in a malicious way. I am tactful enough to be able to speak my mind without intentionally or mistakingly hurting anyone else. Yet I cannot do this. I clam up. I cannot express my true feelings.
Why is this!? Does it stem from a lack of self esteem? Do I still believe that my opinion is not important, merely because it is mine? Of is it that underlying need for people to like me?
Whatever it is, it is starting to slowly drive me insane. I live in fear of encountering these people that I would like to speak my mind to, on one of their bad days. On one of those days when they will, undoubtedly, take a negative situation out on me. I know it will happen. I know it is coming... it is just a matter of time... and that thought petrifies me.
How do I let go of these chains? How do I stop allowing people to have so much power?
I think it comes down to my relationship with God. Am I truly depending on Him as much as I need to? Do I actually trust Him to take care of certain situations? Do I prayerfully depend on Him to help me show His love to these people? No. I don't. And I'm beginning to understand that right now, more than anything, this is something that needs to be worked on. Because I cannot keep letting these people have a power over me. I should not have a physical, painful reaction at the thought of seeing someone. This is no way to live. And I am going to try to fight for this to end. Maybe the revolution is finally here...
blessings and love
Deena

Changes...

I wrote this on the subway today after hearing some rather... interesting and confusing news from home. Now it's starting to make sense in my mind, but this morning as I wrote, I was a wreck. I didn't understand. I felt barely sane. Completely discombobulated... these were my feelings at that time... I figured I might as well share... (I'm doing MUCH better now... sometimes you just have to get it out)

I feel like I have two constant things in my life. God and music. Everything else is constantly changing around me and inside of me...
As one of my closest friends heads back to Bible college... as I struggle to understand and comprehend difficult choices that are being made back at home and how these changes will affect my life... as I try in vain to understand new feelings and emotions that I did not know that I had... I wonder... how could I have prepared for this? For these events? Of course I realize that there is no way that I could have.
Sometimes I feel like emotions and situations sneak up behind us only to slap us in the face. A sneak attack, no warning. The death of a family member, the loss of a job, a surprise pregnancy... these awkward situations seemingly come out of nowhere and then what? What do we do? How do we deal? (Not that I am dealing with ANY of the above, they are just examples)
My brother told me last night that he thinks that I am a stronger person that I think I am... I'm really not so sure... maybe I sell myself short.
But I find myself shying away from situations instead of dealing with them. Sitting in my emotions instead of healing and moving forward. Sitting on the subway with my music blaring in order to block out the world and hopefully cloud some of the thoughts currently attacking my brain. Fefe Dobson, in one of my favorite songs, Revolutionary Song, sings that 'the deamons that stalk us will eventually turn to dust... together we can start this heeling...' but what if they remain until you try to deal with them? The demons? What if you're not sure how to even begin that process? What if... what if you're not sure how to reach out? Or feel too weak to face those demons head on?
You go through life longing for the revolution, but feel too small and insignificant to actually pick up a weapons and fight...
What if...
Blessings and love
Deena
p.s. sometimes you are so uncertain and afraid for the future that being in public is suffocating and at that moment, there is nothing more frightening.

feelings...

I've started carrying around a little pad of paper and a pen with me everywhere I go. I wrote this on a 45 minute subway ride yesterday to go for tea with my friend before going to ballet. Because I write slower than I type, it might not make as much sense (my thoughts fly past quickly) but here you go... this is what came out. I hope you like it...? ha.

As I struggle in vain to get over my latest crush, who is moving, I can't help but wonder where those feelings will go? Will they just simply disappear? Will they stay and just get deflected onto someone else? Do they change like water into different things made out of the same feeling? Moving into ice and gas seamlessly, into dislike and happiness?
Sometimes I think that is what happens when we break up with someone... the same feeling, that lump of emotions that saturates our entire being, changes from one thing to the next... anger, hope, pain, sorrow... and ultimately a numb, dull feeling that cannot really be labeled as much of anything. But sometimes I think that these feelings never really leave us. Sometimes I think that either initially or right after we have entered that confusing numb attack, our feelings merely hide on us. They set up camp in some dusty corner of our minds that we hardly ever use so we barely ever realize that these feelings still exist... I like to think that my feelings have camped out in the part of my brain meant for math and physics. That would explain so much.
Every so often these feelings wave their hands, which causes a memory to pop up and our heart to stir. Depending on how intense these feelings were to begin with, they may or may not be able to catch our attention. And the first time that we are able to ignore or avoid those feelings, they then disappear, move out.
Depending on initial attachment, I like to think that the feelings are forced to leave after 5 years... there is limited space... some, unfortunately cling on and will not leave.
What happens to the ones that are kicked out? Do we just completely forget that person? Or is it in that moment that we are able to finally look on the person with fondness again? Maybe that's it.
Maybe feelings are malleable. Maybe they mold and change and never really leave us, taking us on random roller coaster rides and through soft and beautiful meadows.
But can we actually change them or is it just a long process that we are forced to endure? Letting them set up camp until they are forced out of changed into fond memories by time and time only? I sometimes wish we could manipulate our feelings, control them. Sometimes, I guess, we can. But I think it's those times when we want to control our feelings the most that we are least able to do just that. That's my experience anyways. And right now... I am incredibly sad. And unfortunately, I cannot change that feeling.
Dang it.
Blessings and love,
Deena

happily ever after

I think to a large extent, Hollywood has ruined us... as I say goodbye to the current object of my affection, a guy who has no idea (or if he does, is gracefully choosing to ignore this fact which... is probably for the best) that I am into him, I realize that secretly I want to do something crazy. I want to rush to the airport before he leaves and confess my feelings, much like Ross in Friends. I want to make some grand gesture. Haha. But no, I'm not that cheesy. No, I'm not that forward. No. It will not, ever, EVER, happen. But still... a small part of me wants to. Because a small part of me believes that this is what happily ever after is made out of. Grand gestures. Because this is what Hollywood has lead me to believe.
But does happily ever after actually exist? I realize that relationships require work. That there is always some give and take to them. My last serious relationship was so flawed... so full of me trying to be perfect for the guy... that I'm not even sure what a relationship should look like. It frightens me. This is why, I think, that after over a year of knowing this guy, I didn't realize my feelings for him until now. Now, when he's leaving. Typical. Because it's safe. Because it would never happen. Because that grand gesture that Hollywood wants me to make will never happen. Lame. I'm kind of lame.
Speaking of that horrible past relationship... my ex contacted me yesterday. Why? I don't know. But it made me mad. I wish he could just leave me alone. He's long since moved on. I'm still shoveling up the pieces. I still see the sadness in my eyes at times... the sadness that somehow appeared on that Wednesday when he told me it was over. That sadness that has stayed with me until now. That encouraged me to make stupid decisions in foreign places. That has tainted every decision towards guys I have made since. Because for the second time in my life, I thought I would marry this ex. For the first time in my life, that person decided on his own that it wasn't going to happen. How do you ever deal with that? How do you ever deal with and get past the fact that you were not good enough for someone? That is a difficult reality to face.
But I try to move on. I try not to think about it, I try not to care. But in doing so, have I let myself heal? I'm not so sure anymore. Can I even be free to look for love if I have such a hard time letting go of this last love? Or will the chains that still hold me eventually fall off when some new man sweeps me off my feet? Who knows. I guess only time will tell.
So I'll move on. Past this current crush, suppressing my feelings once again, past the ex, ignoring the problem all over again, and look forward to the future. And though it is extremely naive to believe in fairy tale endings and happily ever after... a little bit of me does. A little part of me believes in the magic of movies. And for now, right now in this moment, I will cling to that. And I'll get through. And it will be ok. It always is.
Blessings and love,
Deena

an epic moment...

For some reason, I have always been obsessed with experiencing one of the weirdest things. My brain is like a photo album. Throughout every day, I see random snapshots of various moments of my life. I'll see my brothers wedding, a friends wedding, a hilarious moment from years ago, a recital, my graduation from college... Random. I don't control them, it just happens. Sometimes I search for a memory... I know it's in there somewhere, and it actually feels like and I can see, in my mind, myself struggling to turn the pages of this photo album to get to the memory that I intend to find.
One of these memories that comes back to me is, get ready to laugh, the beginning of the Disneyland ride, Pirates of the Caribbean. I KNOW. I told you it was weird. But at the beginning of this ride, you are taken in your watery boat through the backyards of Louisiana, from years ago. You see old grungy men sitting outside their shacks, with lanterns for their light, sometimes fishing, sometimes talking, enjoying the crickets and moonlight. For some reason, I love this.
For some reason, anytime I've seen a movie that has a scene like this, whether it be in Louisiana, circa 1889 or a more modern take like from the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, when they are sitting in the back yard, laughing and talking, playing a card game, I am envious. I want this. I can't remember the last time I had something like this.
Then yesterday, I had an epic night. One that will, undoubtedly, be etched into my minds eye for years to come. One that, I am sure, has already ended up on a blank page of that never ending photo album. One that I will reach for in the future to brighten dark days and make me laugh on others.
Yesterday my friend's mom threw a birthday party for him. Though I've never met his parents, my roommate extended the invitation to me, and I to another friend who had met this one friend briefly. It was out in Oakville, so my 'plus one' came to pick me up and we headed out. The house itself was gorgeous. On a huge lot. Just stunning. Decorated in off whites, light greys and beige, candles and beautiful art work, the house had the touch of class that I hope to have in my life one day. When I own a place, I want it to look and feel like that house did. Extremely classy, yet warm and inviting at the same time.
We went, myself only knowing my roommate, my invited friend, and the birthday boy. Another dear friend showed up later, but we were basically among strangers. They invited us in with hugs and laughter and my friend and I settled in for a beautiful evening.
After giving my friend his birthday present (a childs 'yay you're 2!' card that i changed to read '21' and a gift certificate... listen, I had NO idea what to get him...), we settled in and met the people around us. Some beautiful older (I dislike that word, these people were younger at heart that I am, though in older bodies) people, who encouraged us to sing and applauded when we mockingly joined in to the beautiful c.d's playing. The soundtrack to the night was taken care of by our stunning host, and really was perfect. I think that this is what made the night so epic for me.
After a brilliant supper of home made goodness, most of the younger people left, leaving just a few of us with the older crowd. I loved it. I could listen to them talk for hours. I had a wonderful conversation about opera with our male host. As we sat around the fire on the patio, candles burning all around us, inside and outside of the house, with the soothing sounds of Josh Groban, Diana Krall, Norah Jones, Frank Sinatra, and many others cooing to us, laughter popping up in the pocket conversations all around us... I couldn't help but feel extremely blessed. Looking up at the sky to see the stars that I so often miss in Toronto, I couldn't help but feeling extremely content and happy.
These people, this family, embraced us. Hugged us and brought us in. It was one of the warmest and happiest times, tinged with little moments of sadness for a boy who will be leaving for Montreal soon that I will likely (though regrettably... and I will fight to not let this happen) lose touch with, it was a perfect evening on a perfect summers night in August.
I had my epic night. I enjoyed the brilliance and the beauty of the people all around me, lapping up their warmth and feeling recharged by the simplicity of it all.
And though I had some weird mixed emotions rolling through me, throughout the night, it really was a night to remember. One that I will not soon forget. One that will stay with me always, that I will look to often.
For those involved... thank you.
Blessings and love
Deena

Emotional habits

A talk with a friend last night prompted many thoughts throughout the night and this morning...
He had mentioned how it had been a difficult summer for him, how he had encountered many negative and even destructive thoughts. He then suggested that I would obviously have no idea what he was talking about or be able to understand... haha. How wrong he was.
I grew up in a small town. My school, K-12 was 600 people. My graduating class was 32, I believe. When you grow up in these conditions, there is no way to make a new, fresh start. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the 'cool kids' in my school, right from grade 1 on, hated me. Made fun of me. Called me fat, ugly, worthless... and what do you do when you're a child being told these things by the people that you want to be like? You believe them.
I grew up with 2 battling thoughts and ideas in my head... my upbringing (and continuing belief and practice) in the Christian church lead me to believe that I was a beautiful creation, that God did not make mistakes. Yet my reality showed me that I was worthless. Ugly. Not needed. Not important. Through a series of events, I learned not to trust people. I learned to be careful. But I also learned to lie... because I didn't believe that people would like the real me. I thought that I was so pathetic, I had to make up lies and schemes in order for people to like me.
Towards the end of grade 7, a new group of friends somehow invited me in. They loved me. They laughed with me. And in the beginning, I lied to them. Constantly. I didn't believe, I didn't trust that they would care about me. Slowly, I let my guard down. And slowly they embraced me. Slowly I became a real person, instead of a shallow shell that merely existed. I started to dream. I started to live. For that, for them, I am forever grateful.
But depression runs in my family and it soon hit. Many of my years were spent with laughter on the outside and pain on the inside. In college I started seeing images of myself hanging from buildings... and one day God took that all away. The images. I still struggled, still worried that no one cared, even though anyone who knew me would tell you that I was extremely popular.
The musician Moby has made a great impact on my life. But it was not his music that first drew me to him, it was an interview I saw of him on Much Music in which one of the VJ's asked him why, in light of all of his success, he still seemed depressed, still was hard on himself. "It's hard to change the emotional habits of a lifetime" Moby responded. I was hooked. Because I agreed and could relate.
This conversation with my friend last night helped me to see something. As he told me about how he had put his music off throughout the summer, how he had no passion for it, I was reminded of the fact that when I get depressed or even just down, I barely practice. But when I start to practice again, my spirits rise.
I am never happier than when I am singing. I often forget this.
Having just done a performance a week ago, I can tell you that as I've grown up, as I've matured, as I've become more confident in my music, I have become more confident as a person. The same is in reverse. As I have become more confident as a person, stood up for myself in many instances, I have become a much more confident singer. The two, for me, go hand in hand. As I've dove head first into my dream, it has held me with gentle arms, allowing me to grow and change myself into a stronger, more passionate, more confident person. Music is my life. Music leads me back to God when I have gone astray. Music continually breaks me. Music reminds me that I am loved. Music, singing, is a part of my soul.
I still have a difficult time believing the positive about me. When people, friends, tell me that I did a good job performing, though I thank them and appreciate it, these words never penetrate my heart, I don't think that I ever truly believe them. Yet, after the performance last Friday, a gentleman that I had never met came up to me and said "You have a beautiful voice. Truly. Keep singing". And for once... for once I believed it.
I'm still learning. Still growing. Still trying to figure life out. But aren't we all?
Blessings and love
Deena

destruction...

It is amazing what words can do to a person. They can lift them up, they can make a day. Or they can destroy a friendship, they can ruin and end a life.
Harsh words, verbal abuse, can lead to suicide, to masked gun men massacring countless people that they don't know... can lead to eating disorders, cutting problems, low self esteem, further disruptive relationships, physical abuse... can leave a wonderful, brilliant, caring, beautiful, Godly person in a crying, trembling heap on the floor, crying out to God for healing yet continually being bombarded with words of hate ringing in their ears... leaving other people to sit back and think how in the world can we help?
I beg of you. All of you. If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, GET OUT. Or at the very least, confront the person. Communication is key... please... communication is everything. I was chatting with a friend tonight and he said that he had heard that communication is 80% physical. Can we please change that number?
I think that it is SO important to talk to people when they have hurt you, when you have cooled down enough to talk to them in a calm manner. It is very important.
Now, I'm one to talk... I'm extremely upset at someone right now, have been for weeks, but can I talk to them? Can I confront them about this? No. Though I find that my feelings are somewhat unfair, I have been upset by their actions, or lack there of, but cannot find the courage to say anything. So, instead, I walk around tense... knowing at some point I am going to explode, whether it is on that person or not. Tell me, what is the healthiest thing to do here? TALK TO THEM?! Right. Right, I should do that. If not for their sanity, but for mine.
We need to start taking care of ourselves mentally. That includes standing up for ourselves, (though I always maintain that for as long as possible, this should be done in a respectful way), not putting up with relationships that are abusive in any way, we should find the time to be with people who are up lifting to us, and steer clear of people who constantly bring us down.
Please... take care of yourselves... or someday you could end up in a terrible situation and have no idea how you have gotten there... and completely lose hope... please, don't lose hope... please... take care of yourselves...
Blessings and love
De