I went on a blind date with a blind man today. No jokes. It wasn't really a date. But I had never met him before and he did pay so... in a way it was a date. It was slightly awkward at times. But it was ok and we did have a decent time. We went to see the musical Jersey Boys (a friend was going to go with him and ended up not being able to go... I ended up with a free ticket for the 11th row, center... how could I say no?). Jersey Boys is a musical about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons who wrote a LOT of music that I know, but honestly, before seeing this musical, I had NO idea who these songs were by. It was an amazing performance. Danny and I had a decent time. And of course, in true Deena fashion, I came away with a bit of a crush... not on Danny... on an actor... of course.
Now I am currently single... though I do feel a strong part of my hear belongs to a dear friend of mine. We are not, however, in a relationship at present. But the fact that a lot of my heart has been given to him, I have not really been noticing the guys around me for a while now. This guy, somehow, managed to sneak through my walls. I know I just saw him in a musical. I have no idea if he's a decent guy, I saw him for two and a half hours as a different person... what kind of a crush is that? I think I subconsciously let myself crush on this young man because he is unobtainable to me, therefore making him 'safe' (in my twisted mind anyways). I know it hasn't even been a day... yet I can't stop thinking about him... haha... LAME.
I find myself already wishing that I could run into him. Looking for him on the subway (though I know it's barely possible, living in the huge city that I do)... on the street... impossible.
I told my best friend about it and he wants me to go and wait for him at stage door, look him in the eye and give him my number. But I don't have the guts to do something like that. Tony was like, 'Deena, you need to grow up and do this!'. But i have a huge fear of failure... and though a part of me thinks that I need to do something like this, not even for the results of the initial encounter, but for myself. To break away. To break free of some insecure barior that I have twisted around myself. I think it could be beneficial for me, to break out. I feel that I would be more confident if I just sucked it up, walked up to him, looked him straight in the eye and struck up a conversation with him... handed him my phone number. I know it would do wonderful things for me. Yet... I am petrified of rejection... failure... maybe I should do it. To help override those stupid fears... maybe I should... (though it's more than likely that I won't)
Tomorrow I start school with an opera company for a month. We do an hour of ballet in the morning, then 3 hours of singing/stage movement in the late morning/early afternoon. I'm not going to lie, I am a bit petrified. But I feel that I need to do this. I feel that this will also help to break down a bunch of walls that I have built up, on stage especially. It will be good for me... I already feel that there may be some tears and painful breaking through of mental barriers and walls... but... growth is positive, isn't it? Breaking and growing is positive... it has to be...
on a completely different note... there was a beautiful quote today in church... 'a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her' brilliant
have a great night
blessings & love
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