do we ever truly see ourselves?

I think for the most part we don't. At least once a week at work, I have someone assume or ask me if I am the manager or owner. I'm neither. I don't understand it. Is it the way that I carry myself? The way that I talk to the customer? Or maybe it's just the fact that, though I'm not the oldest there, I look the oldest? I don't see it. I do not understand why anyone would think this.
It got me to thinking. Do we truly ever see ourselves for who we are? No.
I look in the mirror and this is what I see:
-bright eyes that betray my heart to the world with laugh lines under them already
-someone who needs to lose a few pounds
-hair that never quite seems to cooperate
-a scared little girl looking out into the big bad world...
-insecurities...

I do not see a confident, passionate, caring, mature beauty. Yet this is often how I am described by my friends and peers. My coach with Opera Atelier the other day called me smart. "You took everything I told you yesterday and have applied to to today and even though you are feeling some vocal fatigue that was the best I've heard you sing it. Smart. You're a smart singer'. ME!? A smart singer!?

I've been throwing myself off guard lately. Working with Opera Atelier has shown me that i HAVE in fact grown up a lot. Something that I had not realized. When Marshall, the owner, founder and director, tells me to do something on stage, I do it. I don't feel like an idiot (which is normally how I feel on stage). It feels RIGHT. For once. When I am asked to sing this piece that I don't know well in front of my peers that I do not know either, I am not nervous. I sing and I sing with passion. What is going on!? Somewhere, somehow, since moving to this city, have I actually grown up? Matured? Become confident? I do not understand...

I used to have a lot of anxiety working in a customer service field. Serving people, afraid to say the wrong thing, to give them the wrong drink, to make an idiot out of myself... Blushing and mumbling my way through my job... that's how I used to be... suddenly I find myself able to work through the little situations that I clumsily find myself in. When I forgot to charge the good looking guy (I will admit I have a crush on) for 2 things and just charge him for one and he brought it to my attention, I didn't blush, I didn't get flustered... what is going on!?

Somewhere... somehow... between then and now... I have actually grown up. Where did I go? I didn't see it, yet the people around me have. My best friend is the number one advocate of the 'Deena is beautiful' campaign. Now I just need to see what he sees... maybe one day... one day I will be able to see myself the way that he sees me...