Survival?

At my job, I encounter many different people. Mostly, however, they are bankers, accountants, lawyers, consultants... the sort of high end, high class, high paying type of jobs that some of us dream about having one day. The allure of a big pay check, cute skirt suits and authority is what some people crave. What they tend to miss is the high stress that often comes along with all of these so called fabulous things.
More often than not, the people that I encounter seem to be stressed to the max every day of their life. Today one of our regulars came in. She is a beautiful, mid-30's business woman with a wonderful sense of humor and an immaculate eye for style. And today, as with most, she was stressed. After a nice conversation, as per usual, I shouted out 'Survive!' to her as she made her exit. This single word was greeted with a laugh and an 'I'll see you tomorrow".
This got me to thinking. Is it ok to merely survive?
Many people talk about survival as it is a positive thing. Which it is! To survive a hard time in your life is brilliant. To survive after your husband dies, to deal with this pain, creates a beautiful and strong woman. To survive a plane crash like that young girl did recently off the coast of Africa I believe, a miracle. To survive a rape, emotional abuse, even something like a bad break up or a bad performance. Many music groups have sang about it. Diana Ross produced the wonderful hit that I'm sure every girl has sang in her life, "I Will Survive". Beyonce, while she was still with Destiny's Child, had all preteen and teen girls (and though their not willing to admit it, a lot of 20+ women as well) singing "I'm A Survivor". Why, there's even a t.v. show about survival. But is it enough to merely survive?
I don't think that it is. I used to think of myself as a victim. Eventually I came to view myself as a survivor. But now I realize that this is not enough. Because I do not think that you can really LIVE if you are merely surviving. Life goes on around you, but what happens to you? You survived, yes, and that's incredible and wonderful. But now... once we've gotten to the step of being able to believe that we HAVE survived, we need to take that one step further... we need to live. We need to embrace life. Embrace every day that the Lord has given us. I'm not saying that we cannot grieve whatever happened to us. But we were made to live for so much more that mere survival... we were made to live life, and live life abundantly. With passion. With joy. With love.
Embrace the life you were given. Embrace the hardships. Acknowledge the struggles. Deal with them. Move on. Become not only a survivor... but breathe into life once again.
Blessings and love
Deena.

Band Aids

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I dislike the doctors. After being treated for many illnesses throughout my life, they finally let me down when they diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and told me that there was nothing they could do for me. After 3 years of screaming pain and a suicidal call to my beloved Mommy, we found a natural path trained physician who started me on a long healing process. I'm not cured. I still have pain 24/7. But it is manageable. And now my smile is real :o)
I think that doctors are like band aids. They try to cover up the pain instead of getting to the problem. They gave me pain killers for the pain. That is it. They didn't try to help. Pain killers. Disguise the pain, mask the pain. They can only take you so far.
As I walk around my city of cement and steel, I can't help but think that everyone around me, myself included, walks around with giant band aids plastered all over their bodies. These band aids help us get through life in a seemingly easy way. Unfortunately, like the doctor, all the band aids can do are mask the pain.
Every so often, a situation will come along that will make one of the band aids lift up at a corner... allowing a small stream of hurt to escape, double back, and pierce our hearts. We can't help but wonder why this happens... yet we all know the answer.
So many of us, again myself included, do not deal with the problems that we face as we are dealt them. We push them to the back of our minds, cover them with band aids, plaster on that smile and go about our business. But once in a blue moon (or once a week), someone will come along and say or do something that seems harmless, yet causes the band aid to lift, however big or small, and our worlds temporarily crumble from the exposed stain of the scar, no matter how old.
This happened to me tonight. Though I cannot blame the person for the misunderstanding that lead me to feeling this way, I had to consciously avoid her for the rest of the night, for fear that the band aid would rip off and the tears would flow from the sting of it all. Really, the action was small. Harmless, really. But given my emotional and pain filled history concerning this particular subject, my band aid lifted. And suddenly with no warning what so ever, the safe world that I knew shattered around me for a few hours. I struggled to sweep the pieces back together.
Was this her fault? Not entirely. If I had been brave enough to face this issue when it initially happened to me, or anytime within the last few years, I would have been fine. There may have been a small sting, but nothing of this magnitude.
So I sit here, challenging myself to start fixing myself. To work through my problems, one at a time. The issue with this challenge is that when I start trying to fix these problems, I realize that there are more that I was not aware of. I attempt to fix it all in one foul swoop and my life turns into a failed Janga game.
But here we go, once again. Because though I am now able to notice the signs that the band aid is about to lift, which I look at as progress, really, I would just like to take all of the band aids off. I do believe that slowly, with much time, prayer and faith, the band aids will fall off all on their own. Now I just need to be patient... and start sorting through the mess of hurt that I have hidden in some far, cobwebbed corner of my mind.
Blessings and love
Deena

The Paper Bag

Recently my city put a tax on all plastic bags. As a result, retailers around the city have moved to paper bags, which I think is great.
A few weeks ago, I purchased something at the Body Shop, took the paper bag, and in typical Deena fashion, the bag temporarily ended up on the floor of my bedroom. 4 days after this purchase, I took a trip home to visit my parents, leaving my cat in the care of my roommates. I was gone for about 10 days and came back to discover something that no one could possibly predict.
My cat has become dependent on this paper bag. Java just loves it. She used to sleep at the foot of my bed, now she sleeps on the bag. Constantly. Even when I am practicing, (opera, so it's high and loud), she stays curled up on her bag, whereas before she would always leave my room. It's... unnerving?
Right now she's staring at me as I type this, laying on her bag, seemingly aware that I am writing about her. I have moved the bag. It was on my bed for a few hours one day while I was cleaning. She was agitated and upset. I try to play with her every night to show her some love (i'm gone for long periods of time throughout the day and I know she gets bored and lonely). I have this one toy that she loves. So I sit on my floor with her and flick it around and she generally will chase it. Since this bag has entered our lives, she will lay on it a lazily paw at it from the bag. Haha. It's infuriating! The other day I picked up the bag and put it on its side so she couldn't lay on it while we were playing. It worked out well but... she just loves this stupid bag. Because she loves it so much I have a hard time throwing it out. So for now, it sits on my floor, often with my beautiful tabby curled up in contentment.
But it makes me think. What is the 'bag' in my life? What is in my life that I cannot get rid of, that I feel so closely attached to? My relationship with my Mom? My singing? My relationship with Christ? Or is it simpler? An obsession with a certain food? Song? Movie? Or maybe it is more than one thing. A bunch of little things, tied up together along with a few bigger things. Maybe it is these little needs, longings, that make us who we are.
We are friends with certain people because we make time to be with them. We make an effort to be around with them, or at the very least, to connect with them, via the phone, internet, etc. Are these friendships a bunch of paper bags in our lives? Some bigger, some smaller? Is our entire being, everything that we like and dislike, made up of these paper bags, things that we cling to and long for and love?
I don't really want an answer... So as Kathleen Kelly says in my favorite movie, You've Got Mail, I just want to send this question out into the void... so goodnight dear void...
blessings and love

do we ever truly see ourselves?

I think for the most part we don't. At least once a week at work, I have someone assume or ask me if I am the manager or owner. I'm neither. I don't understand it. Is it the way that I carry myself? The way that I talk to the customer? Or maybe it's just the fact that, though I'm not the oldest there, I look the oldest? I don't see it. I do not understand why anyone would think this.
It got me to thinking. Do we truly ever see ourselves for who we are? No.
I look in the mirror and this is what I see:
-bright eyes that betray my heart to the world with laugh lines under them already
-someone who needs to lose a few pounds
-hair that never quite seems to cooperate
-a scared little girl looking out into the big bad world...
-insecurities...

I do not see a confident, passionate, caring, mature beauty. Yet this is often how I am described by my friends and peers. My coach with Opera Atelier the other day called me smart. "You took everything I told you yesterday and have applied to to today and even though you are feeling some vocal fatigue that was the best I've heard you sing it. Smart. You're a smart singer'. ME!? A smart singer!?

I've been throwing myself off guard lately. Working with Opera Atelier has shown me that i HAVE in fact grown up a lot. Something that I had not realized. When Marshall, the owner, founder and director, tells me to do something on stage, I do it. I don't feel like an idiot (which is normally how I feel on stage). It feels RIGHT. For once. When I am asked to sing this piece that I don't know well in front of my peers that I do not know either, I am not nervous. I sing and I sing with passion. What is going on!? Somewhere, somehow, since moving to this city, have I actually grown up? Matured? Become confident? I do not understand...

I used to have a lot of anxiety working in a customer service field. Serving people, afraid to say the wrong thing, to give them the wrong drink, to make an idiot out of myself... Blushing and mumbling my way through my job... that's how I used to be... suddenly I find myself able to work through the little situations that I clumsily find myself in. When I forgot to charge the good looking guy (I will admit I have a crush on) for 2 things and just charge him for one and he brought it to my attention, I didn't blush, I didn't get flustered... what is going on!?

Somewhere... somehow... between then and now... I have actually grown up. Where did I go? I didn't see it, yet the people around me have. My best friend is the number one advocate of the 'Deena is beautiful' campaign. Now I just need to see what he sees... maybe one day... one day I will be able to see myself the way that he sees me...

These scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye...

Pink once said in an interview that she likes to sit in her emotions. Instead of trying to move past the pain of an emotional breakdown or a mental low, she hangs out there and lets it pass on its own. You can see it in her songs. Her music is her diary, her soul. From Family Portrait to Who Knew, she puts her life and her scars out there for the world to see. She is comfortable with who she is and how she feels. She accepts, against the norm of what is acceptable, her feelings and emotions head on for what they are and invites them to spend the day. I look at her and think... what a brilliant, smart, wise and STRONG woman.
Society wants us to be happy at all times. To put on a happy face and shine through the rain. I think it's important to realize that life is not always great. Though I am a big advocate of praising God through the pain of a situation, I think it is completely legit to sit in your emotions. Embrace them for what they are.
Maybe it is the performer in me. When my greatest heartbreak happened, I walked into the kitchen, unable to stop crying, stared through the room to the outside seeing nothing and with tears burning scars down my cheeks thought... remember this emotion. Just like Serena in the musical version of Fame after she gets scorned by Nick. Remember this emotion... think of how to use it on the stage... My next thought after that was 'how sick and disturbed AM I!?'. I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that question.
I think Pink is strong because she is willing and able to show the world that she is real. She is human. Go figure. So many of us plaster on a fake smile every day. So many of us are actors. I do not want to be an actor in my day to day situations anymore.
I'm like Pink in the sense that I like to sit in my emotions. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. If i'm sad, I will watch a sad movie or listen to sad music. If my heart is broken, I'll listen to love songs and just drive that hurt deeper into my soul. Like I said, I think it is the musician/performer in me that does it. I have this need and desire to understand the human condition.
My heart is a bit hurt right now (though I'm 100% sure the person who has done the hurting has no idea... which leads me to another point that I will get to... in a minute...). So, of course, I watched a sad movie (Message in a Bottle. I bawled). Feeding the emotions... it's what I do.

On a completely different note... I find it incredibly frustrating that other people are able to hurt us. Even when we try not to let people in, they can and often do, end up leaving some sort of imprint on us, be it positive or negative. My current hurt is mostly my fault. I expected too much too soon. And the person on the receiving end gave me nothing in return. I was disappointed. But I think to an extent I created the disappointment myself. I expected something from this person. Much more than I got. So I have let go. Stopped trying. (and once again gotten nothing in return. Go figure). But it is my own fault I think. This man gave me no indication that he was ready for a relationship. Anyways... I am ranting now... whatever, it happened, it happened.

I should sleep... night
blessings and love

Oh What A Night...

I cannot get that song out of my head. O What A Night by the Four Seasons... it's just so flipping catchy! (it's what they end with on this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKN-OTrr9Dg the guy that is my current 'celeb crush' is the second guy to start singing)
I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see that musical again... soon... now :o)
I had my first class with Opera Atelier today. It went well. We do an hour of ballet (i'm in the beginner class though I've had prior training... I haven't done it in a few years, so it's really good to go over the basics again... and really painful! haha) and then 3 hours of singing/stage movement. Today was good. I was nervous walking there. More nervous, in some ways, than moving to Rome last summer to study. I don't know why... Of course I'm the biggest person in my class... but it's good and i'm feeling comfortable enough with myself to work hard and to just do this. To really try hard and give it my all. I think that's what I'm doing and it feels good. Though who knows how I will feel tomorrow morning... haha... and as the classes get harder... and we start turning... (my spotting SUCKS and I always get very dizzy and kind of sick)... here's hoping and praying that it turns out ok.
Today was good though. That's all I know. In the singing part I had to sing the first solo... it was ok. I could have done better. I wish I had done better. But I guess you can't change it so, it is what it is. I've never sang soprano (and only soprano... i've done alto, tenor and soprano, but never JUST soprano) in a chorus setting and it's interesting to wrap my ear around it... to listening for the melody instead of the harmony which is what I'm used to. But it's good. and I'm enjoying it. My teacher complimented me on the length in the back of my neck, my head position and how it was relaxed. It was nice :o) I thought I would be emberassed when we got called on by name to change certain things in both the singing and the ballet but suprisingly enough I was fine. Maybe I AM growing up. Haha... maybe not...
ok... I need to do laundry, eat supper, do some yoga and maybe read... and get to bed
blessings and love

Jersey Boys and 15 year old crushes...

I went on a blind date with a blind man today. No jokes. It wasn't really a date. But I had never met him before and he did pay so... in a way it was a date. It was slightly awkward at times. But it was ok and we did have a decent time. We went to see the musical Jersey Boys (a friend was going to go with him and ended up not being able to go... I ended up with a free ticket for the 11th row, center... how could I say no?). Jersey Boys is a musical about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons who wrote a LOT of music that I know, but honestly, before seeing this musical, I had NO idea who these songs were by. It was an amazing performance. Danny and I had a decent time. And of course, in true Deena fashion, I came away with a bit of a crush... not on Danny... on an actor... of course.
Now I am currently single... though I do feel a strong part of my hear belongs to a dear friend of mine. We are not, however, in a relationship at present. But the fact that a lot of my heart has been given to him, I have not really been noticing the guys around me for a while now. This guy, somehow, managed to sneak through my walls. I know I just saw him in a musical. I have no idea if he's a decent guy, I saw him for two and a half hours as a different person... what kind of a crush is that? I think I subconsciously let myself crush on this young man because he is unobtainable to me, therefore making him 'safe' (in my twisted mind anyways). I know it hasn't even been a day... yet I can't stop thinking about him... haha... LAME.
I find myself already wishing that I could run into him. Looking for him on the subway (though I know it's barely possible, living in the huge city that I do)... on the street... impossible.
I told my best friend about it and he wants me to go and wait for him at stage door, look him in the eye and give him my number. But I don't have the guts to do something like that. Tony was like, 'Deena, you need to grow up and do this!'. But i have a huge fear of failure... and though a part of me thinks that I need to do something like this, not even for the results of the initial encounter, but for myself. To break away. To break free of some insecure barior that I have twisted around myself. I think it could be beneficial for me, to break out. I feel that I would be more confident if I just sucked it up, walked up to him, looked him straight in the eye and struck up a conversation with him... handed him my phone number. I know it would do wonderful things for me. Yet... I am petrified of rejection... failure... maybe I should do it. To help override those stupid fears... maybe I should... (though it's more than likely that I won't)
Tomorrow I start school with an opera company for a month. We do an hour of ballet in the morning, then 3 hours of singing/stage movement in the late morning/early afternoon. I'm not going to lie, I am a bit petrified. But I feel that I need to do this. I feel that this will also help to break down a bunch of walls that I have built up, on stage especially. It will be good for me... I already feel that there may be some tears and painful breaking through of mental barriers and walls... but... growth is positive, isn't it? Breaking and growing is positive... it has to be...

on a completely different note... there was a beautiful quote today in church... 'a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her' brilliant
have a great night
blessings & love

Growing up while embraing childhood...

I know I just blogged but...
Sometimes thoughts and feelings flutter around inside of me and I feel as if I will explode if they do not get out onto paper or a page somewhere...
I've been taking a lot of notice about the things around me as of late. Opening my eyes up to life and the way that I live... but also the lives of the other people around me.
Call me crazy, but in many ways, MJ's passing has opened my eyes up to two things: 1) I need to grow up. Pay attention to my finances. Not be late to meetings. Tiddy up my room more often (speaking of which...) and 2) I need to embrace the child that is still inside of me.
I feel sometimes like I am stuck in the middle. I have always been mature for my age, I can't help it. But I don't have a lot of fun. A lot of this stems from my muscle disorder and the pain that I am in 24/7, but I can move past it, I can embrace fun outside of the fibro. It IS possible. That being said... I desperately want to have a water fight... haha!
Since coming back from my trip, I have made more of an effort at work. As a result, I have felt so much better about myself, about the blessings that God has given me. I sometimes get anxiety about serving people, about talking to people. None of that plagued me even a little bit this week. It was a great week. It was a slow week... but we worked hard and in the long run, I felt good about it.
This is a poor segue into something else that I have noticed lately... NO ONE is ever happy or content. Have you ever realized that? The biggest place I notice it with is with the weather. It'll be bright and sunny outside and someone will always complain that it is too hot. So it rains or gets a bit colder and bam... complaints from the same person that it is too cold. Alberta has been going through a massive droubt. So it rains... complaints again... It's starting to really drive me up the wall.
Not to say that I don't complain (I mean, I'm complaining right now about complaining). But I really think that we need to look around us... take in our day... and remember that this is the day that the Lord has made... we will rejoice and be glad in it... I think this is highly important... We need to thank God for EVERY situation. We may not understand why something bad has happened. Why things didn't go our way... or we may be rejoicing something fantastic... either way, we need to praise God for it. Sounds crazy... but believe me, it's true :o)
blessings and love

a trip down memory lane...

Last week I took my usual summer trip back to Alberta to see the family. I feel like I did nothing the entire time there and I'm not going to lie, it felt good :o)
But man alive my small town is changing. Suddenly there's a Subway there. SUBWAY!?! crazy. I can't even handle it. There's a new school being built by my house, housing popping up all around... it's really just blowing my mind...
I spent the first few days crying over MJ's death (call me crazy, I still feel like i'm in mourning) and laying on my Mom's lap while she rubbed my back and played with my hair... yes... I'm 25 and I still need my Mom's lap... I got my hair cut, Mom and I went shopping, to the doctor, got a pedicure with Mom... hung out with my brother, his wife and their new puppy... and then saturday... saturday was a fantastic day full of memories... a day that I wasn't really prepared for but did not fight against either... we went up to the lake for the day...
For about 18 years now, my family has been camping at Pine Lake. We just went up for the day, all of us, minus our puppy, Lady, who is on her last leg of life and can't ride in the car anymore... so mom, dad, jeff, liv and i (with Kokoda, the new addition to the family) headed up for the day. it wasn't the nicest weather, but i won't complain, at least it didn't rain! it was the 60th anniversary happening, so there was a brilliant fireworks display and a supper... but i'll get to that.
we got there in the early afternoon and unpacked and just hung out in the trailor for a bit. played some cards... read a bit... and that's when the conversation happened. my Dad, wanting to leave our campground for good... talking to someone on the phone, looking up other places we could camp... leave Green Acres... the place where I spent my childhood summers, the place where my heart was broken, the place of first boyfriends and new best friends... the place of so many lost memories and ones that i begged to cling onto...
with the fear of leaving in my mind, i made my brother take me on the usual boat ride around the lake... when you look at something as if you are seeing it for the last time, you see it through different eyes. Your eyes long to keep the colors, the movement, the shape, everything, in a still frame in your mind... the colors are brighter than they normaly would be, richer... as if the memory will somehow, eventually, dull the colors back to the reality of what they truly were.
I walked around 'the loop' as we called it... the part of the campground where all of the guys that we liked were... I went into the Coffee Shop and down to the doc... I even saw Jordan. Jordan is a mentally challenged beautiful man who is forever trapped in a boys body... he's got to be in his 30's now and doesn't look a day over 21... when I was more of a regular there, before I left for college and eventually moved across the country, he thought that we were married. He always got extremely excited to see me and we would have fun little conversations throughout the weekends. He gave me a picture of himself once and I still carry it around in my wallet to this day. He is really quite wonderful.
That night we went to Bob and Diane's trailor for a pre-firework fire. it was quaint. Cosy.
The fireworks were the best i have EVER seen at the lake. just brilliant. There was some music playing as well. It was quite hilarious, it went from Disney (When You Wish Upon A Star, and the music from the Electric Parade that happens in Disneyland) to Michael Jackson. I sat there on the grass listening to MJ, in front of the Coffee Shop, as a young German Shepard pup tried to hide behind me from the sound, completely lost in a dazz of memories... struggling to capture the moment. that one still frame. and i believe... right now... that i still have that moment. in my minds eye i can see the fireworks, i can hear the music, feel Kokoda nuzzling me, the wet grass beneath me... and though the edges of this memory are slightly fuzzy... I will fight to keep it... because it was one of the happiest moments of my life... full of peace and truly content.