I realized today that I consider myself to be a burden on other people. Even writing this, I feel like... oh... what a burden it will be for other people to read this. Then why do I write? No idea.
I look into my future, into the possibility of marriage, and I feel sorry for my future husband, who will have to deal not only with my over dramatic emotions, but my crippling fibromyalgia as well. And I feel like a burden.
I feel like a burden on my family. The simple fact that certain family members never call me, makes me feel like they would just rather not deal with the burden that I am. Yet they have to put up with me... well.. because they are family.
Why do I feel this way? What has happened in my life to make me feel like the biggest burden in the world? Is it the fibromyalgia? Life has definitely become more complicated since being diagnosed with it 7 years ago. But something within me knows that before I was diagnosed, I still felt this way, with my friends... so what is it...
Maybe, probably, it is my misconception of myself. Like the rest of the world, I have a very tainted view of who I am. It is usually not that great.
I was talking with a friend the other day about love and relationships. He said that he fears that he does not have the capacity to love. My fear is that I do not have the capacity to trust that you, the guy in my life, has the capacity to love me. Or wants to love me, for that matter. But why? Why is this my struggle? Everyone has the right to be loved. Why do I feel unworthy?
Sigh. I am feeling better. But these new struggles keep emerging on a daily basis.
Maybe some people are just made to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders, and others are meant to be happy and joyous at all occasions... I wish there was a happy medium. Lets try to find that happy medium.
love
Deena
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
guilty
I've been feeling guilty. I believe that this is why I have felt such despair as of late.
But I did not become aware of, and therefor acknowledge this guilt until recently, when I finally admitted to myself what was really bothering me. What was the root of it all.
On Wednesday morning, sadly at work, I bawled. I wept like I have not wept in years. It was in this moment that I finally gave voice to my current struggles, the struggles that had been suffocating me. That morning, I finally told someone about the demons in my head, the clouds of debt and unworthiness that had been following me, since returning from my summer of travel. My insecurity in my new life, my knew being.
I came back from Italy a different person. More aware of who I am, more in tune with my feelings and inner longings. But I also came back to a new life. Two days after returning, I moved. But days after, I was traveling again, not giving myself a chance to welcome this new life, this new freedom from the chains that I had felt in my old living situation, which had weighed me down for almost three years.
When I walked into my door at the end of my travels, the song Catalyst by Anna Nalick was playing on my iPhone, 3 cats ran to greet me, and I felt instantly, utterly alone. This, along with one other unmentionable circumstance, was the start for me. The start of this month of despair. Of unmanageable anger and grief. Yet no tears came. No gut wrenching, deep soul cleaning tears would form. My insides became harder and harder.
For once in my life, it seems, I reached out to people. I did not want to go through what I was going through. The odd thing is that the Christian friends that I reached out to, though they prayed for me, they were not THERE for me. They did not call. They did not check in. I reached out and felt alone. I did not know that they were praying. There was no communication. This destroyed me more. And I thought to myself... this is why people say that the church fails them.
A handful of incredible other friends were there for me, though. They reached out to me, in the same way that I would have reached out to them if I had been in the same boat. Dropping their plans and taking me out for supper, just to talk to me and be with me over veggie burgers and mashed potatoes. They stayed up with me till 1 am on my bed, while we talked and cried and laughed, even though they had to get up early the next morning, even though they were going through their own struggles. There were people that were there. To these people, and you know who you are, I am incredibly grateful. To the others that I reached out to, I am thankful for the prayers. Incredibly important. Yet I needed verbal communication. I needed you. Maybe I was at fault, because I didn't communicate that. Yet... I feel that I did... Sometimes we need to not expect things from people. Then there will be no disappointment when they do not react in the way that we wish for them to.
On Wednesday morning, I woke up. And I cried. I finally told my Mom about my fears, my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of worthlessness, the thoughts that I will never amount to anything... yet the thing that really hit me was how guilty I felt about feeling so down about all of these seemingly minute things, when, in my mind, other people, other friends, they have REAL problems. I felt guilty for feeling the very real feelings that I was harboring on the inside.
The ironic thing is that I sat this summer in the courtyard of the convent in Italy, with a dear friend, ten years my junior, as tears splashed on my shirt and she admitted to me that she felt angry about the feelings that she had about certain things. And I told her, with complete certainty, that her feelings are real. That if she feels these feelings, then no one could tell her otherwise. They are real. And true. And she is allowed to feel how she feels. And that it is OK.
Last night a friend told me the same thing.
Why do we allow guilt to destroy us? I hadn't admitted my feelings about these things, very real feelings, because I felt guilty. And this month nearly destroyed me. But getting these things off of my chest, finally vocalizing them, suddenly I was better. The burden was lifted. The weight was suddenly shared. Friends came around me and yoked themselves to me and helped me carry the burden. I am forever grateful.
We need to be open with people. We need to talk. We need to be real. In the wake of all of the bullying and pain that is at the forefront of the news today, there is a desperate need for people to open up to other people, but also for people to be there for those around them. If these certain friends hadn't been there for me, I don't know what I would have done.
Open up. Encourage people. Be there for those people around you. Hanging out with a depressed person can be incredibly discouraging and even down right annoying. But when they get through what they are going through, they will look back and be able to thank you for giving up your time for them in the way that you did. For being there for them when no one else was. It is incredibly important that we give of our time for our friends. Reach out to them. You have no idea what friend is sitting at home tonight, on thanksgiving Sunday, with nowhere to go, feeling sad and alone. Pick up the phone. Call someone. Write a letter. Encourage someone. Smile at a stranger. Be a light. Treat others the way that you want to be treated. Be the difference that you want to see in the world.
Happy thanksgiving and lots of love
Deena
But I did not become aware of, and therefor acknowledge this guilt until recently, when I finally admitted to myself what was really bothering me. What was the root of it all.
On Wednesday morning, sadly at work, I bawled. I wept like I have not wept in years. It was in this moment that I finally gave voice to my current struggles, the struggles that had been suffocating me. That morning, I finally told someone about the demons in my head, the clouds of debt and unworthiness that had been following me, since returning from my summer of travel. My insecurity in my new life, my knew being.
I came back from Italy a different person. More aware of who I am, more in tune with my feelings and inner longings. But I also came back to a new life. Two days after returning, I moved. But days after, I was traveling again, not giving myself a chance to welcome this new life, this new freedom from the chains that I had felt in my old living situation, which had weighed me down for almost three years.
When I walked into my door at the end of my travels, the song Catalyst by Anna Nalick was playing on my iPhone, 3 cats ran to greet me, and I felt instantly, utterly alone. This, along with one other unmentionable circumstance, was the start for me. The start of this month of despair. Of unmanageable anger and grief. Yet no tears came. No gut wrenching, deep soul cleaning tears would form. My insides became harder and harder.
For once in my life, it seems, I reached out to people. I did not want to go through what I was going through. The odd thing is that the Christian friends that I reached out to, though they prayed for me, they were not THERE for me. They did not call. They did not check in. I reached out and felt alone. I did not know that they were praying. There was no communication. This destroyed me more. And I thought to myself... this is why people say that the church fails them.
A handful of incredible other friends were there for me, though. They reached out to me, in the same way that I would have reached out to them if I had been in the same boat. Dropping their plans and taking me out for supper, just to talk to me and be with me over veggie burgers and mashed potatoes. They stayed up with me till 1 am on my bed, while we talked and cried and laughed, even though they had to get up early the next morning, even though they were going through their own struggles. There were people that were there. To these people, and you know who you are, I am incredibly grateful. To the others that I reached out to, I am thankful for the prayers. Incredibly important. Yet I needed verbal communication. I needed you. Maybe I was at fault, because I didn't communicate that. Yet... I feel that I did... Sometimes we need to not expect things from people. Then there will be no disappointment when they do not react in the way that we wish for them to.
On Wednesday morning, I woke up. And I cried. I finally told my Mom about my fears, my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of worthlessness, the thoughts that I will never amount to anything... yet the thing that really hit me was how guilty I felt about feeling so down about all of these seemingly minute things, when, in my mind, other people, other friends, they have REAL problems. I felt guilty for feeling the very real feelings that I was harboring on the inside.
The ironic thing is that I sat this summer in the courtyard of the convent in Italy, with a dear friend, ten years my junior, as tears splashed on my shirt and she admitted to me that she felt angry about the feelings that she had about certain things. And I told her, with complete certainty, that her feelings are real. That if she feels these feelings, then no one could tell her otherwise. They are real. And true. And she is allowed to feel how she feels. And that it is OK.
Last night a friend told me the same thing.
Why do we allow guilt to destroy us? I hadn't admitted my feelings about these things, very real feelings, because I felt guilty. And this month nearly destroyed me. But getting these things off of my chest, finally vocalizing them, suddenly I was better. The burden was lifted. The weight was suddenly shared. Friends came around me and yoked themselves to me and helped me carry the burden. I am forever grateful.
We need to be open with people. We need to talk. We need to be real. In the wake of all of the bullying and pain that is at the forefront of the news today, there is a desperate need for people to open up to other people, but also for people to be there for those around them. If these certain friends hadn't been there for me, I don't know what I would have done.
Open up. Encourage people. Be there for those people around you. Hanging out with a depressed person can be incredibly discouraging and even down right annoying. But when they get through what they are going through, they will look back and be able to thank you for giving up your time for them in the way that you did. For being there for them when no one else was. It is incredibly important that we give of our time for our friends. Reach out to them. You have no idea what friend is sitting at home tonight, on thanksgiving Sunday, with nowhere to go, feeling sad and alone. Pick up the phone. Call someone. Write a letter. Encourage someone. Smile at a stranger. Be a light. Treat others the way that you want to be treated. Be the difference that you want to see in the world.
Happy thanksgiving and lots of love
Deena
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you...
Sometimes a circumstance will happen in our lives that, for some reason or another, can completely alter who we are for a period of time, no matter what we do to try to stop that from happening. Something happened in the past month that has made me completely question who I am... and my worth in life... and my beauty. And I despise the fact that I let this happen. That I allowed this one person to dictate my beauty and my worth to me... as a Christian, I know that it is important, nay vital, to find our my worth in Christ, not in people, not in guys. I have some friends who feel that life is not happy or complete unless they are in a relationship. I grew out of that mindset a long time ago, and have been, for the most part, content in my singleness for a long time. Even putting up walls in order to not have a relationship for fear of being hurt.
When you let someone into your life, it is a completely vulnerable thing. And you choose, in the moment, how far you will let them in. If you decide to just let go of all pretenses, be completely real and honest and live in the moment, it can be extremely scary, especially if this is the first time that you have ever entered into a relationship like this... and I think that if the relationship goes south once you have opened up this much, it can be devastating. The guy may not feel it. He may be content to move on and find someone new right away. The girl? The girl will be in pieces for months, if not years. I am in pieces.
But then I have to wonder... before I met this person, I was a confident, strong willed young woman, with a purpose and a plan for life... how has the demise of this quasi-relationship made me second guess my own worth and beauty? Why do we, as women, put our worth into the hands of guys and relationships? We look to men for approval. We need them to tell us that we are beautiful, that we are worth more than we think. We need them to pursue us and fight for us. And if they even look at us the wrong way, it can destroy the entire day. What is wrong with us? (the collective 'us'. I realize a lot of women have worked through this, but I feel that we have all been tainted by these thoughts and feelings to some extent in our lives). How have we been programed into felling this way?
Of course we can blame the media. It is just like how we blame the media for the fact that we all feel like we are 100 pounds over weight and ugly. But I think that it is deeper than that. The brilliant Eleanor Roosevelt once said that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", which I agree to be completely true. So why do we allow people to make us feel unloved? Ugly? Anytime we do, we are giving consent to the unknown person behind a certain advertisement, to an ex boyfriend, whatever. Why does the worlds opinion of us matter so much? Why are we so uncertain of our own beauty?
When I was younger, I used to make a lot of lists (I still do...). One of these lists was a 'to do' list and it made it to the wall beside my bed back at home. I haven't technically lived at home since I was 18 and it was never taken down for some reason. I see it whenever I go home and there are basic things on it like clean the bathroom and practice singing. Some of these things are crossed off and some aren't. One that isn't, that for some reason, my little teenage brain thought that I could actually put on a 'to do' list was this: become friends with yourself. What I didn't realize at the time was that we are our own worst enemies. And that becoming friends with ourselves, actually liking who we are as an individual, is something that takes time and depending on who you are, can be a daily struggle. But it is a daily struggle that we must endure and not push off to the side. We need to be able to look into the mirror and see someone that we like, our own self prescribed flaws and all. Because if we don't, we end up giving 'them', the world, the advertisers, the ex's, we give them too much power over our lives. In reality, God and I am in control of my life. We need to not let others make us feel less than beautiful, less than worthy.
I think these thoughts will come to all of us at some point in our lives. I know a man in his 60's who has made a fantastic name for himself. He is wealthy and worked his way there from nothing. He has, what appears, to be a good life. Yet he is incredibly depressed. Feels alone and worthless. So what should he do? What do I do, as I struggle daily with this crushing depression that I haven't felt for years? When you are depressed and feeling worthless, the last thing that you want to do is reach out to anyone. Yet we need to fight this nonsense and reach out to the people around us, the people who love us. Because they ARE there. And as a dear friend reminded me the other day, we need to think about the blessings in our lives.
Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Who see worth in you. It will rub off. Your thoughts about yourself will change for the better. Let them support you and help you to become the person that you were always intended to be. The confident, beautiful woman who IS worthy of love. In this, allow yourself to delve deeper into your relationship with God as well, if you are a Christian. It is truly in Him who we find our worth. And really, He has given us the ultimate gift of life and love. God is love. There is no denying that. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Soren Kierkegaard; "Now, with God's help, I shall become myself". Let's allow that to be true in our lives.
Blessings and love
Deena
currently listening to: Look What You've Done by Jet
currently reading: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Giacomo Puccini by Conrad Wilson
When you let someone into your life, it is a completely vulnerable thing. And you choose, in the moment, how far you will let them in. If you decide to just let go of all pretenses, be completely real and honest and live in the moment, it can be extremely scary, especially if this is the first time that you have ever entered into a relationship like this... and I think that if the relationship goes south once you have opened up this much, it can be devastating. The guy may not feel it. He may be content to move on and find someone new right away. The girl? The girl will be in pieces for months, if not years. I am in pieces.
But then I have to wonder... before I met this person, I was a confident, strong willed young woman, with a purpose and a plan for life... how has the demise of this quasi-relationship made me second guess my own worth and beauty? Why do we, as women, put our worth into the hands of guys and relationships? We look to men for approval. We need them to tell us that we are beautiful, that we are worth more than we think. We need them to pursue us and fight for us. And if they even look at us the wrong way, it can destroy the entire day. What is wrong with us? (the collective 'us'. I realize a lot of women have worked through this, but I feel that we have all been tainted by these thoughts and feelings to some extent in our lives). How have we been programed into felling this way?
Of course we can blame the media. It is just like how we blame the media for the fact that we all feel like we are 100 pounds over weight and ugly. But I think that it is deeper than that. The brilliant Eleanor Roosevelt once said that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", which I agree to be completely true. So why do we allow people to make us feel unloved? Ugly? Anytime we do, we are giving consent to the unknown person behind a certain advertisement, to an ex boyfriend, whatever. Why does the worlds opinion of us matter so much? Why are we so uncertain of our own beauty?
When I was younger, I used to make a lot of lists (I still do...). One of these lists was a 'to do' list and it made it to the wall beside my bed back at home. I haven't technically lived at home since I was 18 and it was never taken down for some reason. I see it whenever I go home and there are basic things on it like clean the bathroom and practice singing. Some of these things are crossed off and some aren't. One that isn't, that for some reason, my little teenage brain thought that I could actually put on a 'to do' list was this: become friends with yourself. What I didn't realize at the time was that we are our own worst enemies. And that becoming friends with ourselves, actually liking who we are as an individual, is something that takes time and depending on who you are, can be a daily struggle. But it is a daily struggle that we must endure and not push off to the side. We need to be able to look into the mirror and see someone that we like, our own self prescribed flaws and all. Because if we don't, we end up giving 'them', the world, the advertisers, the ex's, we give them too much power over our lives. In reality, God and I am in control of my life. We need to not let others make us feel less than beautiful, less than worthy.
I think these thoughts will come to all of us at some point in our lives. I know a man in his 60's who has made a fantastic name for himself. He is wealthy and worked his way there from nothing. He has, what appears, to be a good life. Yet he is incredibly depressed. Feels alone and worthless. So what should he do? What do I do, as I struggle daily with this crushing depression that I haven't felt for years? When you are depressed and feeling worthless, the last thing that you want to do is reach out to anyone. Yet we need to fight this nonsense and reach out to the people around us, the people who love us. Because they ARE there. And as a dear friend reminded me the other day, we need to think about the blessings in our lives.
Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Who see worth in you. It will rub off. Your thoughts about yourself will change for the better. Let them support you and help you to become the person that you were always intended to be. The confident, beautiful woman who IS worthy of love. In this, allow yourself to delve deeper into your relationship with God as well, if you are a Christian. It is truly in Him who we find our worth. And really, He has given us the ultimate gift of life and love. God is love. There is no denying that. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Soren Kierkegaard; "Now, with God's help, I shall become myself". Let's allow that to be true in our lives.
Blessings and love
Deena
currently listening to: Look What You've Done by Jet
currently reading: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Giacomo Puccini by Conrad Wilson
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Doctors and new beginnings...
I am grumpy. But it's a different grumpy... a weird grumpy. A grumpy I have never known before.
Today, after church, I had to go to the doctor to have an incredibly evasive test done. (everything is fine, don't worry). But it's the type of test that, if/when you have it done for the very first time, you feel so utterly and completely violated afterwards... and after finding out that everything is going to be ok, you become weary with relief. Incredibly drained because all of the worry and fear that you were trying to ignore suddenly disappears and you feel... different. Free. But in a not so free way. It is hard to explain. It is the type of thing where, after it is done, you go back to your apartment, curl up in an afghan with your cat and cry and sleep. This has been my day.
It is extremely psychological. And for someone who thinks too much about everything to begin with (but really, what girl doesn't?), it was exhausting. This is why I am grumpy. This is why I feel disgusting today. This is why I walked to work in an old t-shirt and sweat pants... and why I yelled at a man in my head for calling me beautiful, when I know darn well that I'm not (at least today). But this yelling in my head (I am the epitome of passive-aggressive) made me stop for a second and think.
Most of the people that we meet in our day, or interact with in our day, have no idea what we have already experienced. The people that I encountered later at work, had no clue that I had just had an emotionally draining day. The people whom I communicated with through facebook and e-mail didn't either. No idea. I have a problem with suffering in silence. There are a lot of things I simply choose not to complain about or talk about, because I do not see the point. Yet then, how are people to know or understand when I am dealing with something big in my life?
I go through life thinking that everyone should be able to read my thoughts. How naive. Looking back, I really think that this behavior came about when I was first diagnosed with firbomyalgia. When I was first diagnosed, I complained all the time, wanted people to pity me. Then something changed. After reading a verse in the Bible, in the book of John, my attitude changed. I tried to complain less. I had a new outlook on life, on my condition. But this being said, I stopped asking for help, even though I needed it. I think I grew to be silently proud. One of my ex's was perfect for me. He learned not to ask if he could help me, but just do things for me, grabbing heavy loads of out my hands, opening doors for me (though I tried not to let him), always giving me a seat if there was only one available (and when I tried not to let him, making me). It was good for me. After we broke up, I went back to my old habits though. Though this was 7 years ago, I am still in conflict with these habits.
I am so open with every part of my life, you all know that if you want to know something about me, no matter how personal, all you have to do is ask. Yet I am too prideful to ask for help... and I expect it from people... and get upset when they do not help me, even though I do not ask them. I just want them to know. I very much dislike that I am like this... can you please pray for me to change this mindset, to change my ways? It will take a while... but with God's help, I shall become myself. The person I am meant to be. One little annoying nuance at a time. I long to be the woman that He desires me to be. This is why I ask for your help. This is why I write. This is why I communicate with all of you. As someone who works almost all of the time, I need a lot of alone time to be able to survive. You, my friends whom I have met over the years, you have become a community that I can rely on and I am so blessed to have every one of you in my life. Thank you.
Much love,
Deena
Today, after church, I had to go to the doctor to have an incredibly evasive test done. (everything is fine, don't worry). But it's the type of test that, if/when you have it done for the very first time, you feel so utterly and completely violated afterwards... and after finding out that everything is going to be ok, you become weary with relief. Incredibly drained because all of the worry and fear that you were trying to ignore suddenly disappears and you feel... different. Free. But in a not so free way. It is hard to explain. It is the type of thing where, after it is done, you go back to your apartment, curl up in an afghan with your cat and cry and sleep. This has been my day.
It is extremely psychological. And for someone who thinks too much about everything to begin with (but really, what girl doesn't?), it was exhausting. This is why I am grumpy. This is why I feel disgusting today. This is why I walked to work in an old t-shirt and sweat pants... and why I yelled at a man in my head for calling me beautiful, when I know darn well that I'm not (at least today). But this yelling in my head (I am the epitome of passive-aggressive) made me stop for a second and think.
Most of the people that we meet in our day, or interact with in our day, have no idea what we have already experienced. The people that I encountered later at work, had no clue that I had just had an emotionally draining day. The people whom I communicated with through facebook and e-mail didn't either. No idea. I have a problem with suffering in silence. There are a lot of things I simply choose not to complain about or talk about, because I do not see the point. Yet then, how are people to know or understand when I am dealing with something big in my life?
I go through life thinking that everyone should be able to read my thoughts. How naive. Looking back, I really think that this behavior came about when I was first diagnosed with firbomyalgia. When I was first diagnosed, I complained all the time, wanted people to pity me. Then something changed. After reading a verse in the Bible, in the book of John, my attitude changed. I tried to complain less. I had a new outlook on life, on my condition. But this being said, I stopped asking for help, even though I needed it. I think I grew to be silently proud. One of my ex's was perfect for me. He learned not to ask if he could help me, but just do things for me, grabbing heavy loads of out my hands, opening doors for me (though I tried not to let him), always giving me a seat if there was only one available (and when I tried not to let him, making me). It was good for me. After we broke up, I went back to my old habits though. Though this was 7 years ago, I am still in conflict with these habits.
I am so open with every part of my life, you all know that if you want to know something about me, no matter how personal, all you have to do is ask. Yet I am too prideful to ask for help... and I expect it from people... and get upset when they do not help me, even though I do not ask them. I just want them to know. I very much dislike that I am like this... can you please pray for me to change this mindset, to change my ways? It will take a while... but with God's help, I shall become myself. The person I am meant to be. One little annoying nuance at a time. I long to be the woman that He desires me to be. This is why I ask for your help. This is why I write. This is why I communicate with all of you. As someone who works almost all of the time, I need a lot of alone time to be able to survive. You, my friends whom I have met over the years, you have become a community that I can rely on and I am so blessed to have every one of you in my life. Thank you.
Much love,
Deena
Friday, June 18, 2010
growing...
As most of you know, I have been through the ringer in the past few months.
Setting foot in Toronto after a fantastic trip to Saskatchewan, I was completely naive to what lay ahead of me. While visiting my old Bible College in Sask, I had prayed for brokeness. This, God granted me. I was greatly encouraged and extremely broken during one particular chapel experience that I will never forget. This, however, was just the tip of the ice burg. I was blissfully unaware that when you ask God for something like brokeness, and He thinks that you are ready for it... you'd better be prepared for what lies ahead. And I am extremely grateful.
As my life kept being challenged and changed and the tears kept pouring over the last few months, I found myself drawing deeper and deeper to my Savior. But I also found myself learning more and more about myself.
One of the most incredible things that I have taken from this experience is a renewed sense of emotions. As I have drawn closer to my Lord, I have found that my emotions have become more raw and exposed. My heart breaks over little things that I see in the world and bubbles with joyous laughter over the most ridiculous (I laughed the other day for 5 minutes, with tears rolling down my face over the word 'hearty'. As in 'hearty soup'). And I am loving every minute of this. I also feel like my eyes have been opened. I am more friendly, making more of an effort with customers at work... I'm beginning to remember and realize that if I can make their day a little bit better, than this is something that I would like to do.
On Wednesday, a regular came into the shop. We've never really chatted with her, but she comes in quite frequently and has always been pleasant with us. I was alone, and she came in on the phone, with tears streaming down her face. She was speaking in another language, but unabashedly approached me and ordered her tea As she continued to weep, I felt myself tearing up as well. I have no idea what was going on, I have no clue why she was this upset. But I was touched that she was humble enough to share this emotion openly in front of me. As I handed her her tea, I handed her a note that simply said 'I hope your day gets better :o) " and she smiled a tearful smile at me and mouthed the words 'thank you'. As she left, my eyes welled up again. It feels as if I am so in tune with my Creator that I am getting a small glimpse into His heart. And I love it and am thankful for it.
I was reminded yesterday of a newer song by one of my favorite Christian bands, Downhere. The chorus goes:
Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am"
I love that. Somehow my story, is part of Your plan... WOW. That's kind of amazing. Somehow He uses me, in ways that I cannot fathom. I want to be open and willing to be used.
Thank You Lord for these reminders in my life, and my new found heightened emotion. It is all a blessing.
thank You Father!
Blessings,
Deena
Setting foot in Toronto after a fantastic trip to Saskatchewan, I was completely naive to what lay ahead of me. While visiting my old Bible College in Sask, I had prayed for brokeness. This, God granted me. I was greatly encouraged and extremely broken during one particular chapel experience that I will never forget. This, however, was just the tip of the ice burg. I was blissfully unaware that when you ask God for something like brokeness, and He thinks that you are ready for it... you'd better be prepared for what lies ahead. And I am extremely grateful.
As my life kept being challenged and changed and the tears kept pouring over the last few months, I found myself drawing deeper and deeper to my Savior. But I also found myself learning more and more about myself.
One of the most incredible things that I have taken from this experience is a renewed sense of emotions. As I have drawn closer to my Lord, I have found that my emotions have become more raw and exposed. My heart breaks over little things that I see in the world and bubbles with joyous laughter over the most ridiculous (I laughed the other day for 5 minutes, with tears rolling down my face over the word 'hearty'. As in 'hearty soup'). And I am loving every minute of this. I also feel like my eyes have been opened. I am more friendly, making more of an effort with customers at work... I'm beginning to remember and realize that if I can make their day a little bit better, than this is something that I would like to do.
On Wednesday, a regular came into the shop. We've never really chatted with her, but she comes in quite frequently and has always been pleasant with us. I was alone, and she came in on the phone, with tears streaming down her face. She was speaking in another language, but unabashedly approached me and ordered her tea As she continued to weep, I felt myself tearing up as well. I have no idea what was going on, I have no clue why she was this upset. But I was touched that she was humble enough to share this emotion openly in front of me. As I handed her her tea, I handed her a note that simply said 'I hope your day gets better :o) " and she smiled a tearful smile at me and mouthed the words 'thank you'. As she left, my eyes welled up again. It feels as if I am so in tune with my Creator that I am getting a small glimpse into His heart. And I love it and am thankful for it.
I was reminded yesterday of a newer song by one of my favorite Christian bands, Downhere. The chorus goes:
Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am"
I love that. Somehow my story, is part of Your plan... WOW. That's kind of amazing. Somehow He uses me, in ways that I cannot fathom. I want to be open and willing to be used.
Thank You Lord for these reminders in my life, and my new found heightened emotion. It is all a blessing.
thank You Father!
Blessings,
Deena
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Morbid thoughts
I've been thinking a lot about death lately. To the point where, last night at work, I asked an acquaintance if he would come to my funeral if I died. His response "for sure I would, I liked you as a person. Would you sing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" at mine?" made me laugh.
I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming summer and how much flying I have to do. For the first time in a long time, I am actually anxious about all of these flights, simply because there have been so many accidents lately. Not only this though, the dreaded G20 summit is coming. Toronto is freaking out.
I don't know much about the G20, nor do I want to. But what I can tell you is this: Most Torontonians that I have talked to are afraid that our city is going to be changed in drastic ways after it takes place. Businesses are being shut down, dorm students are being moved, subway lines are closing... I work in the financial district, right in the heart of it. Earlier this year, a plot to blow up the buildings surrounding us was uncovered before anything drastic could happen, but this has always stayed in my mind. What if they hadn't found out? I don't like playing the 'what if' card. But these thoughts swirl. Sometimes I wonder.
Terrorists groups have gone so far as to post disturbing videos on YouTube about which buildings they are going to target. In a recent one, red skull and cross bones were shown all over a downtown map, targeting both of the buildings that I work in. This is, suffice it to say, a little unnerving. Granted, both jobs will not be taking place on this weekend I am sure. I am also not even here that weekend, I will be celebrating a dear friends wedding in Saskatchewan. But I am still nervous. For my friends. For this city that I have learned to love.
Task forces are being trained, chemical warfare specialists are being brought in... police riot lines and snipers are ready to go. It is scary. There is a feeling in the air that is not like Toronto. Usually we walk around with an air of pride in this city. It really is, I hate to admit, a great place to live. Now there is the feeling on tension. Disdain. Fear or, at the least, concern, in what is to come. Perhaps nothing. Maybe nothing will happen. But there is always the possibility that someone will miss something and bad things will take place... There have been warning bombs already set off at banks in Ottawa. What is to say that in the next few weeks we, in the downtown financial district, will not also be hit like this? I ask you to pray for my city. Keep us and the G20 summit in your prayers. Thank you so much.
I have written all of this in order to justify what I am about to write... I don't have a will, I don't have any sort of 'goodbye' to my family if something does go wrong in my life. Consider the following as such. I have been meaning for a while to write something. You never know what will happen. Here is the generic, to my friends and family if something ever happens to me, letter. No morbid thoughts. Just the desire to get these feelings out there: (i just need to say, this is NOT in any way a suicide note. k? Don't think that. This is just a little something about the thoughts going through my head lately. Don't worry about me, I am very happy with my life! :o)
I have, possibly naively, dared to believe lately that I am destined for greatness. I look back throughout my life and can see moments when I clearly could have died. Moments when God has grabbed me and held on to me, kept me safe. I believe that He has a great plan for me and that I am meant to touch the world with my life. But what if I die tomorrow? We don't know. We have no idea what is going to happen to us, or when God is going to call us home. Strict Catholic Italians do not understand the idea of making plans for the future. They truly believe that God is in control of every aspect of their lives and that they go against Him if they decided to make plans, for, say, supper in next Friday. I too believe that God is in control of every aspect of my life, but I dare to make plans. He often changes them though... :o) Sometimes I think that the Catholic Italian way of thinking is the better route.
I pray that I die while fast asleep, much later on in my life (like... 82. I would like to die when I am 82 years old, if we get to choose. Which we don't), but what if I am meant to leave sooner? We don't know. We cannot focus on such things or we will become paranoid drones, but the thought passes over my mind occasionally and so I wonder. I wonder if I died tomorrow, how many people would be touched. I wonder if I have done enough in my almost 26 years to impact anyone around me. I hope and pray that I have. That I have done enough. I hope and pray that when I do leave this earth, that if we have ever had a fight, if I have ever been selfish with you (which I'm sure I have, given my track record), if I have ever hurt you, be it intentionally (oh the thought) or unintentionally, that you would please forgive me. I hope and pray that you can remember the good about me, and not the bad. I hope and pray you are able to see the good through the bad, because sometimes I am unable and wonder, at those moments, if there is any good at all. I am learning to believe that I am an ok person. I hope you believe this too. I am sorry for any grief, for any heart ache, for any pain that our friendship has brought upon you, because of me. This was never my intent. I hope and pray that our friendship, our relationship, the love that we share, has brought some joy to your life, to your heart. I hope and pray that I have been able to make you laugh, make you think about things in a different way, but most importantly, helped you to see God.
If anything should happen, be it a pre-G20 bomb warning, be it a plane crash, whatever it is. If I die before being able to talk to you again... I thank each and every one of you for being a part of my life. You have all touched me in some way, shape or form. My life has been molded by you, my friends, my acquaintances, my relationships. You have all helped me to become a better person. Thank you for that.
If God decides to take me home before I am an old woman, you may be upset. But I do not want this. I want yo to celebrate my life. I want you to remember the passion and drive that got me through every day. I want you to remember that, above all, whenever He calls me home, I know and believe that this was my time. God's will is great. His desires are perfect. His timing is impeccable. And He does not make mistakes.
I love you all.
Many blessings :o)
ci vediamo!
Deena
(p.s. Mom gets Java, Jeff gets my iPhone and computer and keyboard and Sheena gets her first choice of my c.d.'s and movies. But Mel Harder gets all of my opera books/c.ds/dvds :o)
I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming summer and how much flying I have to do. For the first time in a long time, I am actually anxious about all of these flights, simply because there have been so many accidents lately. Not only this though, the dreaded G20 summit is coming. Toronto is freaking out.
I don't know much about the G20, nor do I want to. But what I can tell you is this: Most Torontonians that I have talked to are afraid that our city is going to be changed in drastic ways after it takes place. Businesses are being shut down, dorm students are being moved, subway lines are closing... I work in the financial district, right in the heart of it. Earlier this year, a plot to blow up the buildings surrounding us was uncovered before anything drastic could happen, but this has always stayed in my mind. What if they hadn't found out? I don't like playing the 'what if' card. But these thoughts swirl. Sometimes I wonder.
Terrorists groups have gone so far as to post disturbing videos on YouTube about which buildings they are going to target. In a recent one, red skull and cross bones were shown all over a downtown map, targeting both of the buildings that I work in. This is, suffice it to say, a little unnerving. Granted, both jobs will not be taking place on this weekend I am sure. I am also not even here that weekend, I will be celebrating a dear friends wedding in Saskatchewan. But I am still nervous. For my friends. For this city that I have learned to love.
Task forces are being trained, chemical warfare specialists are being brought in... police riot lines and snipers are ready to go. It is scary. There is a feeling in the air that is not like Toronto. Usually we walk around with an air of pride in this city. It really is, I hate to admit, a great place to live. Now there is the feeling on tension. Disdain. Fear or, at the least, concern, in what is to come. Perhaps nothing. Maybe nothing will happen. But there is always the possibility that someone will miss something and bad things will take place... There have been warning bombs already set off at banks in Ottawa. What is to say that in the next few weeks we, in the downtown financial district, will not also be hit like this? I ask you to pray for my city. Keep us and the G20 summit in your prayers. Thank you so much.
I have written all of this in order to justify what I am about to write... I don't have a will, I don't have any sort of 'goodbye' to my family if something does go wrong in my life. Consider the following as such. I have been meaning for a while to write something. You never know what will happen. Here is the generic, to my friends and family if something ever happens to me, letter. No morbid thoughts. Just the desire to get these feelings out there: (i just need to say, this is NOT in any way a suicide note. k? Don't think that. This is just a little something about the thoughts going through my head lately. Don't worry about me, I am very happy with my life! :o)
I have, possibly naively, dared to believe lately that I am destined for greatness. I look back throughout my life and can see moments when I clearly could have died. Moments when God has grabbed me and held on to me, kept me safe. I believe that He has a great plan for me and that I am meant to touch the world with my life. But what if I die tomorrow? We don't know. We have no idea what is going to happen to us, or when God is going to call us home. Strict Catholic Italians do not understand the idea of making plans for the future. They truly believe that God is in control of every aspect of their lives and that they go against Him if they decided to make plans, for, say, supper in next Friday. I too believe that God is in control of every aspect of my life, but I dare to make plans. He often changes them though... :o) Sometimes I think that the Catholic Italian way of thinking is the better route.
I pray that I die while fast asleep, much later on in my life (like... 82. I would like to die when I am 82 years old, if we get to choose. Which we don't), but what if I am meant to leave sooner? We don't know. We cannot focus on such things or we will become paranoid drones, but the thought passes over my mind occasionally and so I wonder. I wonder if I died tomorrow, how many people would be touched. I wonder if I have done enough in my almost 26 years to impact anyone around me. I hope and pray that I have. That I have done enough. I hope and pray that when I do leave this earth, that if we have ever had a fight, if I have ever been selfish with you (which I'm sure I have, given my track record), if I have ever hurt you, be it intentionally (oh the thought) or unintentionally, that you would please forgive me. I hope and pray that you can remember the good about me, and not the bad. I hope and pray you are able to see the good through the bad, because sometimes I am unable and wonder, at those moments, if there is any good at all. I am learning to believe that I am an ok person. I hope you believe this too. I am sorry for any grief, for any heart ache, for any pain that our friendship has brought upon you, because of me. This was never my intent. I hope and pray that our friendship, our relationship, the love that we share, has brought some joy to your life, to your heart. I hope and pray that I have been able to make you laugh, make you think about things in a different way, but most importantly, helped you to see God.
If anything should happen, be it a pre-G20 bomb warning, be it a plane crash, whatever it is. If I die before being able to talk to you again... I thank each and every one of you for being a part of my life. You have all touched me in some way, shape or form. My life has been molded by you, my friends, my acquaintances, my relationships. You have all helped me to become a better person. Thank you for that.
If God decides to take me home before I am an old woman, you may be upset. But I do not want this. I want yo to celebrate my life. I want you to remember the passion and drive that got me through every day. I want you to remember that, above all, whenever He calls me home, I know and believe that this was my time. God's will is great. His desires are perfect. His timing is impeccable. And He does not make mistakes.
I love you all.
Many blessings :o)
ci vediamo!
Deena
(p.s. Mom gets Java, Jeff gets my iPhone and computer and keyboard and Sheena gets her first choice of my c.d.'s and movies. But Mel Harder gets all of my opera books/c.ds/dvds :o)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sometimes I feel like the fat kid in gym class...
and I WAS the fat kid in gym class that never got chosen... so I know what I'm talking about!
As a 'baby dramatic soprano' (as my friend and I call me), or a spinto at this point, if you prefer, I often feel like the 'fat kid in gym class'. While all of your other friends are getting chosen and picked, you have to sit back and wait... wait for someone to call on you... as a baby dramatic, this can take years and you feel like you are falling behind the crowd. Even though, in reality, you are the one with the voice that will fill the Met Opera... when all of your other friends get summer gigs and have paying roles in choruses, etc, this truth seems to evade your mind...
I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of blessings that God has thrown onto me in the past month. And when I say thrown, I mean thrown. It has not been an easy journey. There has been much stress and worry... and then I finally hear God, though He's been telling me this all along... don't worry. I have this. I finally started to put my faith and trust in God... something that is difficult for me, as with everyone, to do. And yet... the outcome has been tremendous. Even now... I have to be out of my place by July 1st. A friend recently asked me to live with her and I have said yes. We are hoping and praying to get a spot in her building and are going to wait it out until a spot becomes available. We thought we had a place there on Saturday but 2 hours before we were going to see it, the woman called to tell us it had been taken. Talk about sudden stress. Ok Lord... I'm going to be homeless for the month of July at least... now what do I do? Sunday, I come home from church. Feeling a little less stressed out, trusting Him. I had prayed that morning "You have brought me through so much, why would I not trust You with my life now?" All this past year, I have been auditioning for summer programs. But no one has taken me. I knew that I had been wait listed for the one program in Italy that I had auditioned for, but I had written it off. Only 6 singers are chosen. Why in the world would I get in? I'm a baby dramatic. Like I said, no one wants to work with me yet. My audition tape was not great. I have grown in leaps and bounds since I sent it. Why would they want me? All along I have kept telling myself 'I just need one person to believe in me... that's the start of it... one person to give me a chance'. Sunday afternoon, I received my chance. I opened my e-mail and to my shock and amazement, it read "Congratulations! Someone has dropped out and you were the next in line! Welcome to the Casalmaggiore International Summer Festival In Italy!" and i'm like.... ummm... i'm sorry!?
The whole time I had been thinking... God, where do I live for the month of July? His answer: Italy. Surprise! Suddenly, friends started stepping up to bat. My dear friend and his sister are allowing me and my cat to live with them the few days that I will be here in July, and she has even offered me her room and she will make alternate arrangements. Java is free to stay there while I am gone. And Lord willing my new roommate and I will have a place for August. Tonight at my other good friends house, her lovely mom tells me that I can store all of my stuff in their garage and basement, free of charge for the month of July. No problems, and they will even help me move it all. WHAT!? God just keeps taking care of me... The summer program is amazing and all of these people are coming out of the wood works to just continually bless me...
I know that when you trust and have faith, the journey isn't always going to be easy. But take it from me... if you can learn to trust in God and have faith throughout the difficult times, to keep your eyes on Him and praise Him in the midst... the troubles just don't seem that bad anymore. I know I will falter in this. I realize this won't always seem so easy. Even throughout this, it hasn't been an easy road and I have faltered... but I've kept going, I've kept choosing to trust, which honestly, is all that I can do. And like always, He did not do what I thought He would. But He blessed me in even greater ways. I am no longer the fat kid in gym class. I have my start. What a fantastic start it will be :o) Thank You Lord!
Blessings and love
Deena
As a 'baby dramatic soprano' (as my friend and I call me), or a spinto at this point, if you prefer, I often feel like the 'fat kid in gym class'. While all of your other friends are getting chosen and picked, you have to sit back and wait... wait for someone to call on you... as a baby dramatic, this can take years and you feel like you are falling behind the crowd. Even though, in reality, you are the one with the voice that will fill the Met Opera... when all of your other friends get summer gigs and have paying roles in choruses, etc, this truth seems to evade your mind...
I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of blessings that God has thrown onto me in the past month. And when I say thrown, I mean thrown. It has not been an easy journey. There has been much stress and worry... and then I finally hear God, though He's been telling me this all along... don't worry. I have this. I finally started to put my faith and trust in God... something that is difficult for me, as with everyone, to do. And yet... the outcome has been tremendous. Even now... I have to be out of my place by July 1st. A friend recently asked me to live with her and I have said yes. We are hoping and praying to get a spot in her building and are going to wait it out until a spot becomes available. We thought we had a place there on Saturday but 2 hours before we were going to see it, the woman called to tell us it had been taken. Talk about sudden stress. Ok Lord... I'm going to be homeless for the month of July at least... now what do I do? Sunday, I come home from church. Feeling a little less stressed out, trusting Him. I had prayed that morning "You have brought me through so much, why would I not trust You with my life now?" All this past year, I have been auditioning for summer programs. But no one has taken me. I knew that I had been wait listed for the one program in Italy that I had auditioned for, but I had written it off. Only 6 singers are chosen. Why in the world would I get in? I'm a baby dramatic. Like I said, no one wants to work with me yet. My audition tape was not great. I have grown in leaps and bounds since I sent it. Why would they want me? All along I have kept telling myself 'I just need one person to believe in me... that's the start of it... one person to give me a chance'. Sunday afternoon, I received my chance. I opened my e-mail and to my shock and amazement, it read "Congratulations! Someone has dropped out and you were the next in line! Welcome to the Casalmaggiore International Summer Festival In Italy!" and i'm like.... ummm... i'm sorry!?
The whole time I had been thinking... God, where do I live for the month of July? His answer: Italy. Surprise! Suddenly, friends started stepping up to bat. My dear friend and his sister are allowing me and my cat to live with them the few days that I will be here in July, and she has even offered me her room and she will make alternate arrangements. Java is free to stay there while I am gone. And Lord willing my new roommate and I will have a place for August. Tonight at my other good friends house, her lovely mom tells me that I can store all of my stuff in their garage and basement, free of charge for the month of July. No problems, and they will even help me move it all. WHAT!? God just keeps taking care of me... The summer program is amazing and all of these people are coming out of the wood works to just continually bless me...
I know that when you trust and have faith, the journey isn't always going to be easy. But take it from me... if you can learn to trust in God and have faith throughout the difficult times, to keep your eyes on Him and praise Him in the midst... the troubles just don't seem that bad anymore. I know I will falter in this. I realize this won't always seem so easy. Even throughout this, it hasn't been an easy road and I have faltered... but I've kept going, I've kept choosing to trust, which honestly, is all that I can do. And like always, He did not do what I thought He would. But He blessed me in even greater ways. I am no longer the fat kid in gym class. I have my start. What a fantastic start it will be :o) Thank You Lord!
Blessings and love
Deena
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