Morbid thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. To the point where, last night at work, I asked an acquaintance if he would come to my funeral if I died. His response "for sure I would, I liked you as a person. Would you sing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" at mine?" made me laugh.
I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming summer and how much flying I have to do. For the first time in a long time, I am actually anxious about all of these flights, simply because there have been so many accidents lately. Not only this though, the dreaded G20 summit is coming. Toronto is freaking out.
I don't know much about the G20, nor do I want to. But what I can tell you is this: Most Torontonians that I have talked to are afraid that our city is going to be changed in drastic ways after it takes place. Businesses are being shut down, dorm students are being moved, subway lines are closing... I work in the financial district, right in the heart of it. Earlier this year, a plot to blow up the buildings surrounding us was uncovered before anything drastic could happen, but this has always stayed in my mind. What if they hadn't found out? I don't like playing the 'what if' card. But these thoughts swirl. Sometimes I wonder.
Terrorists groups have gone so far as to post disturbing videos on YouTube about which buildings they are going to target. In a recent one, red skull and cross bones were shown all over a downtown map, targeting both of the buildings that I work in. This is, suffice it to say, a little unnerving. Granted, both jobs will not be taking place on this weekend I am sure. I am also not even here that weekend, I will be celebrating a dear friends wedding in Saskatchewan. But I am still nervous. For my friends. For this city that I have learned to love.
Task forces are being trained, chemical warfare specialists are being brought in... police riot lines and snipers are ready to go. It is scary. There is a feeling in the air that is not like Toronto. Usually we walk around with an air of pride in this city. It really is, I hate to admit, a great place to live. Now there is the feeling on tension. Disdain. Fear or, at the least, concern, in what is to come. Perhaps nothing. Maybe nothing will happen. But there is always the possibility that someone will miss something and bad things will take place... There have been warning bombs already set off at banks in Ottawa. What is to say that in the next few weeks we, in the downtown financial district, will not also be hit like this? I ask you to pray for my city. Keep us and the G20 summit in your prayers. Thank you so much.
I have written all of this in order to justify what I am about to write... I don't have a will, I don't have any sort of 'goodbye' to my family if something does go wrong in my life. Consider the following as such. I have been meaning for a while to write something. You never know what will happen. Here is the generic, to my friends and family if something ever happens to me, letter. No morbid thoughts. Just the desire to get these feelings out there: (i just need to say, this is NOT in any way a suicide note. k? Don't think that. This is just a little something about the thoughts going through my head lately. Don't worry about me, I am very happy with my life! :o)
I have, possibly naively, dared to believe lately that I am destined for greatness. I look back throughout my life and can see moments when I clearly could have died. Moments when God has grabbed me and held on to me, kept me safe. I believe that He has a great plan for me and that I am meant to touch the world with my life. But what if I die tomorrow? We don't know. We have no idea what is going to happen to us, or when God is going to call us home. Strict Catholic Italians do not understand the idea of making plans for the future. They truly believe that God is in control of every aspect of their lives and that they go against Him if they decided to make plans, for, say, supper in next Friday. I too believe that God is in control of every aspect of my life, but I dare to make plans. He often changes them though... :o) Sometimes I think that the Catholic Italian way of thinking is the better route.
I pray that I die while fast asleep, much later on in my life (like... 82. I would like to die when I am 82 years old, if we get to choose. Which we don't), but what if I am meant to leave sooner? We don't know. We cannot focus on such things or we will become paranoid drones, but the thought passes over my mind occasionally and so I wonder. I wonder if I died tomorrow, how many people would be touched. I wonder if I have done enough in my almost 26 years to impact anyone around me. I hope and pray that I have. That I have done enough. I hope and pray that when I do leave this earth, that if we have ever had a fight, if I have ever been selfish with you (which I'm sure I have, given my track record), if I have ever hurt you, be it intentionally (oh the thought) or unintentionally, that you would please forgive me. I hope and pray that you can remember the good about me, and not the bad. I hope and pray you are able to see the good through the bad, because sometimes I am unable and wonder, at those moments, if there is any good at all. I am learning to believe that I am an ok person. I hope you believe this too. I am sorry for any grief, for any heart ache, for any pain that our friendship has brought upon you, because of me. This was never my intent. I hope and pray that our friendship, our relationship, the love that we share, has brought some joy to your life, to your heart. I hope and pray that I have been able to make you laugh, make you think about things in a different way, but most importantly, helped you to see God.
If anything should happen, be it a pre-G20 bomb warning, be it a plane crash, whatever it is. If I die before being able to talk to you again... I thank each and every one of you for being a part of my life. You have all touched me in some way, shape or form. My life has been molded by you, my friends, my acquaintances, my relationships. You have all helped me to become a better person. Thank you for that.
If God decides to take me home before I am an old woman, you may be upset. But I do not want this. I want yo to celebrate my life. I want you to remember the passion and drive that got me through every day. I want you to remember that, above all, whenever He calls me home, I know and believe that this was my time. God's will is great. His desires are perfect. His timing is impeccable. And He does not make mistakes.
I love you all.
Many blessings :o)
ci vediamo!
Deena
(p.s. Mom gets Java, Jeff gets my iPhone and computer and keyboard and Sheena gets her first choice of my c.d.'s and movies. But Mel Harder gets all of my opera books/c.ds/dvds :o)