4 bad habits and a plane ride

(apologies for my suddenly pessimistic attitude, I have been reading Julie & Julie by Julie Powell lately and she is incredibly pessimistic towards herself, but in a funny and quirky way. Please note that this is how I mean this next hodgepodge of words that have been haphazardly strewn together. I hope you can make some sense of it all for surely I cannot)
I do not enjoy flying. I never have. Generally the flight is uneventful but every so often we have bad turbulence and my body just goes into panic mode. The funny thing is that my brain doesn't. I'm not nervous. I'm not anxious. Somehow my body does not realize this. My trip back to Toronto from Calgary today was not one of these flights. Thank goodness.
It was, however, a typical flying day for me. Every time I fly back to Toronto from Calgary, my flight leaves fairly early in the morning to make up for the 2 hour time difference on the other end. Makes sense. As a result, I look less than perfect on these flights. I basically roll out of bed, attempt half heartedly to cover up any horrible blemishes, pull a brush through my now slept on (therefore flat and greasy) hair and throw on whatever clothes I haven't packed. I am amazing. Once I get to the airport, I silently curse all of the women who look like they just spent hours at the salon. Perfect. (ok we all know I don't curse, not even under my breath or generally in my mind, so this is just a slight exaggeration, forgive me)
The plane ride was, as stated, uneventful. I watched some of the food network (a current addiction, and as I do not get it here in Toronto, I had to get one last viewing in), slept on and off and read a bit. All the while, my hair getting greasier and greasier. I felt great. Like a star.
As I sat there, feeling like I just may possibly be the most disgusting person on the planet, I caught a whiff of my new, too expensive but amazing, perfume and felt a little bit better about myself. But then I realized that I have 4 bad habits, brought up with me from childhood that I need to stop. They bring me down. They really, truly, are my downfall in life.
As someone who goes to (and gets rejected from) many auditions, I often think of what the auditioner looks for. I know it is more than just how I sound, but appearance as well (I'm proud to say that in my latest rejection letter, I was told that though I am a horrid singer, I looked fabulous. I may be paraphrasing). This is no New Years resolution. None of that junk. These are 4 struggles that I have been dealing with my entire life. Help me to stop. I beg you.
1. I pick my nails. Yes, you read that correctly. I do not chew my nails. I pick at them. The cuticles especially. I know. I am a monster. It gets bad. Really bad. Painful. I feel like my red and oozing fingers are just calling out to the world like a neon sign "help me! make her stop!". This is unacceptable as I am in a profession that requires me to use my hands. Not that a lot of people will notice but... I mean really... I doubt that Musetta picks at her nails. My finger nails themselves are generally in pretty good shape... but this causes a problem for number 2...
2. This is absolutely disgusting. If you didn't think I was a monster before, you will now. Anyone who knows me and spends time with me on a regular basis is probably used to the fact by now that I always have some sort of disgusting scabby red mark on my face... because I cannot help but pick at my pimples. Any or of bump on my face or person... if it is there, it must be gone. I cannot handle it. This goes hand in hand with the dreaded "c" word that I can't stand. Obviously this is a big no no. Often this is why I feel so hideous (we all know I'm kidding about all of this, yes? Good. Now that we're on the right page...)
3. While we are dealing with the face, a more minor problem is my lips (are my lips? They are plural... Carolyn, help me out here...) They are constantly dry. As a result, I am constantly chewing on them, which I KNOW makes them dryer. What is my problem? Am I just an awkwardly nervous person?
4. I cannot stop twirling my hair. I am constantly touching it. Playing with it. Running my hands through it. Which makes it prematurely greasy. And brittle. Which means I need more hair cuts than I should. Which also means that though I can start the day with a fantastic, full bodied head of hair, I end the day with a greasy limp mess.
It really is a fabulous life. As I was washing my hands in the bathroom and cursing the perfect model beside me under my breath (see disclaimer above) after the flight, I glanced in the mirror and thought ok. I guess I don't look that bad. It's always better than we think.
Night guys
Blessings
Deena

Let the failing begin...

Well, it's already happened, as I assured you it would. My so called resolutions have already headed out the window. Mainly the 'to lose weight/get in shape' and 'get to bed earlier' ones. Yet I think you'll be happy to know that I have some fantastic excuses for my current failure. Ready? Lets start with the later. Actually... it may be easier to start with the first.
Mom and I went to this fantastic restaurant today called the Pasu Sheep Farm. It is quaint country vista, nestled into the foothills of central Alberta. Just a mere fifteen minute drive from the home I grew up in, it is a perfect location for two hungry women to venture and so we did. They have a wonderful little gift shop, with a lot of sweaters and trinkets, the first made of alpaca and sheep wool. Brilliant. The restaurant itself needs a bit of an upgrade. But the old wood, African artwork and home style yet classy food made it incredibly inviting. The owners are from South Africa, hence the aforementioned art. I cannot honestly remember the last time I was there. I'm sure it hasn't been 9 years (like I am leading myself to believe...) The last time I remember being there (though I am positive I have been there since), I was with my best friend from high school. We went out there because, obviously, my flavor of the week was working as a cook. In fact, he actually bought our lunches, which was incredibly sweet of him. I had forgotten about that until I entered the building.
I had also forgotten about the incredible and mouth watering wild mushroom soup. 9 years later and I can still remember the delicious flavors exploding in my mouth. This soup, I exclaimed to my Mom, had to be in my belly. Now. So you can understand my problem. This soup, though extremely delicious, is also made out of heavy cream and butter. Yum. A great and healthy choice if I do say so myself. We both knew that the soup would not fill us up, so we both ordered other things as well. Now, because it is a sheep farm, Pasu has a lot of lamb on the menu. Neither Mom nor I am a huge fan of lamb. I am a bit of a picky eater and do have some food allergies (though I did bring some pills to help me eat wheat, which was smart because....). Well... Mom and I both ordered the chicken pot pie. Believe me. It was worth the extra pound. I am not going to lie. But I did feel a bit guilty. I keep reminding myself that I do not eat like this in Toronto. So why then do I allow myself to eat like this now that I am home? After a shared pot of tea and our gorgeous meal, we snooped and browsed through the gift shop, when Mom and I both took part in the 'buy one get one half off' sale because really, how can you pass that up? (This also ties into my resolve to be better with my money. Thankfully, however, Mom paid. Bless her heart). I'm not going to lie, my Mom bought me the most amazing wool toque EVER. You think yours is better? I beg to differ. (note the attached and very professional picture)
This all ties in to why I am up late. I was feeling a bit of a mushroom and chicken coma by the time we got home and was sprawled out, exhausted for most of the evening on the couch, reading Julie & Julia. Well, around 10:15 I started to feel guilty. So I crawled downstairs to do a yoga video that is supposed to be for beginners, but I must argue that is it not. After practically crying from frustration (ok I honestly flew through it better than I ever have before. But this is not saying much), I limped my sorry butt back to the couch, where I just had to finish the chapter I was reading. Because honestly, it was about killing lobsters and really... I was quite disgusted with the whole thing and wanted to get through it fast. I think if I put the book down knowing that I was going to have to pick it up to read that again... I would never pick it up. C'est la vie. These are my excuses... an amazing restaurant with brilliant soup. And a chapter on killing lobsters. I feel they are valid. Tomorrow is a new day, I will not let today's shameful display affect me too deeply, because I really did have a fantastic time with my Mom. So, I consider today to be a win. (Though it's only the second and you and I both know that I failed miserably). Here's to tomorrow :o)
cheers
(how amazing is my wool hat!?)
blessings and love
De
(it'll also make your life to know that behind my head is a giant poster of Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys. Yes. I know. My head was strategically placed)

it's too late to write but...

I figured I would.
Oh New Years. 2010. WEIRD. The time for resolutions... people vowing to change things in their lives for the better, knowing that they will give up or forget about these changes within a matter of weeks. I don't like making resolutions. Though I do it every year. Haha. I just so happen to be one of those people who always fails at them. Go figure. I can't commit! (but really, what other than my belief in Christ and my passion for singing can I commit to?) But this year... as per usual... I am going to try... care to help?
Lets see... what resolutions will I fail at this year? Good question. I guess I will just make them up as I go along... though one I know for sure.
One of my closest friends is getting married June 26th. Though I don't know if I've made the cut to be in the bridal party or not (I would love it, but I'm determined not to be upset if I don't make it in... because really... how pathetic would I be if I was angry about this? It's her wedding! Sheesh! She can do what she wants!)... either way, I am going to this wedding. And I want to look good. Better than I do right now. So of course, my first resolution is the same as most other peoples out there... to lose weight. (this includes working out, ballet, swimming, gym, eating right)
I would also like to do a thorough clean up of my room. I have a bunch of clothes that could and should go to good will. I have a bunch of stuff that should just be thrown out, yet I'm a pack rat and am sentimental so I have a difficult time with this. But in the weeks to come, I will not be working quite as many hours as I usually do, so I figure that this will be the perfect time to tackle this project and to get a good start on the losing weight one as well.
I also would like to eat out less. In Toronto it is very common to eat out a lot. But I find that I spend so much money in one week, simply eating out, it is ridiculous. Plus you never know for sure what is going into the food and with my sensitivities to certain foods, it would be much better for me in the long run if I just cooked a lot more.
what else... I always say this one too, but I would like to keep in better contact with my friends.
I also would like to spend less time on the computer, read more, and go to bed earlier. Now this is pathetic to be writing this down because it is currently 2:22 am and I am on the computer writing this... sheesh Deena sheesh.
You're right. I should just go to bed. I think I am going to do this... but I would love some accountability in these things. (Especially the weight/eating better thing). I'll write about it... keep you updated, but I would love it if you would like to help me out with this.
Alright... bed time... what are your failed resolutions going to look like? :o)
blessings and love
Deena

Bernard Pivot

A beautiful and snowy day today, I braved the roads to catch up with 3 of my dear friends, whom I haven't seen about a year. First stop was Smitty's in Airdrie with a wonderful friend from college. It was great to catch up and chat with her. She is one of the few who doesn't have facebook and seldom frequents the internet at all. As I do not have much time for the phone, we often stay out of touch for long periods of time. It's a shame. After a delightful brunch, I headed into Calgary to meet up with an old roommate/good friend of mine from Toronto. It was also great to see and catch up with her. She keeps me laughing the whole time, which is a joy. She is such a strong person and always an inspiration to me. Then we 'tag teamed' off, where after 2 hours at the Applebees just off of Country Hills, my first year roommate and lifelong best friend came to visit and swapped places. This dear friend is such a constant reminder of Gods grace in my life. Her passion for Christ is inspiring and I long to be more like her, to have more faith, to live completely by faith. She has a very gentle spirit and kind heart. Three very different women, yet all equally beautiful people. It was a good day. I want to share some of what I learned from each of them today, but I fear that this would be getting just too personal into their lives. Lets just say that I was greatly challenged today, for the better.
Tonight Mom and I watched Serendipity (poor Mom, she had to listen to me saying "I was there!" throughout the entire show). I adore the movie, though hadn't seen it in a while. (Got it for Christmas). It was a calm evening. Nice. Peaceful.
As I don't have much to report, I decided it's time to do another rendition of the Bernard Pivot questionnaire (which is based on Proust's questionnaire, which I will likely do at some point)

1. What is your favorite word? hope
   
2. What is your least favorite word? hate (and a certain word that starts with 'c' that makes me itchy when I hear it)
   
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart and Puccini
   
4. What turns you off? cursing, smoking
   
5. What is your favorite curse word? haha see above. My brother once jokingly told me that 'debit' should be a new curse word. I still laugh whenever I hear that word. So... debit.
   
6. What sound or noise do you love? laughter, rain
   
7. What sound or noise do you hate? the subway screeching to a halt, arguing/fighting
   
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I would like to own my own coffee shop one day
   
9. What profession would you not like to do? pump gas or work fast food. I don't think that these jobs are beneath me, don't get me wrong. I just think that the fumes from the gas would make me pass out and I would weigh 300 pounds if I worked fast food... and anything having to do with sewage. Yuck.
   
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? It does exist. I'd like to hear Him say "well done good and faithful servant".
    

Night!
Blessings
Deena

Good friends and ice cube trays

I'm reading the book Julie & Julia by Julie Powell. I asked for the book for Christmas and we just happened to watch the movie this Christmas as well (fantastic movie). I finished another book that I had been gnawing on forever, and the day after watching the movie, I started the book. It's a great book... if you can over look JP's major use of a certain word that starts with F and her random comments about sex. Which I find slightly intriguing to say the least, because she is able to be talking about cannibalism or bone marrow and then BAM. Sex. Awkward. If you are able to get past these parts, and I am barely able to do so, it is a good book. I think the thing that keeps me going with it is her writing style. I think that it is brilliant. I digress. She talks about blogging, because, if you know the story at all, she decides to cook through Julia Child's first cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and blog about it all, through an entire year. She makes a comment about how many things in our lives are mundane and ordinary. But it seems that if you write it down somewhere, someone, sometime, will come along and read it, no matter how boring. Someone will be interested. We all blog to seem more important. Suddenly our mundane lives become important, have some sort of false value. I found this interesting. Am I just convincing myself that I am blogging for therapeutic reasons? Am I really just searching for a sense of belonging, a feeling of importance? Either way... the saga continues. In other news...
It was a beautiful day out today. Though much colder than it looked, as Mom and I found out when we bundled up to go for a walk and turned back to the house at the end of our back alley way. Cold. I went for supper with my high school best friend tonight. It was great to see her. We're not the best at keeping in touch, but she's one of these people that I know will always be in my life. You know those people? I think they are important. She will be one of the first people I call when I get engaged. When I get an opera gig. If/when (ack) I find out I'm pregnant. Though we don't chat often, she has been there for me through many trials, including thousands of those mild emergencies that one goes through during high school. (Oh my gosh, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME!??! what am I going to do!? My life is over..... wait. I'm still in that mindset. Goodness) If you've read the previous blog, I mentioned those people in my life that I have treated like crap and yet are still around... she is one of these people. I have pushed her away. We've had our spats (always my fault). Yet she's stood by me. The memories that we have together are irreplaceable. I truly cherish this dear friend and am so thankful to have her in my life. I used to sing in the Kwanis Music Festival every year. Every time I would perform, she would give me a note before I left, cheering me on, encouraging me, telling me to 'just breathe'. Sometimes she would even come with me to silently cheer me on, beside my Mom, in the pews of the tiny church that we would sing in. I find that now, as I do my auditions for summer programs, operas, masters degrees, every time I wish I had one of these notes. But each time, I hear in my head, her telling me to 'just breathe'. And I do. And it works. Certain friends come and go in your life. They are there for certain chapters and then slowly vanish, through no ones fault. This is just what happens. Some of these friends are priceless. This is one of the priceless friends. I'm grateful that she hasn't given up on me, in spite of all of my faults. When we find friends like this, we need to hold on to them. They are truly priceless. Once you lose one, it can sometimes be impossible to fill that void.
In other news...
When I got into bed tonight, I saw something that made me think... when is it time (or do we have to?) to give up things that ex's have given you? Due to the odd shape of my room and the placement of hot air vents, my bed is a few feet from one wall, slightly in the middle of my room. This space between my bed and wall holds my night stand, but also has become a bit of a dumping ground for things that I want to hold on to, but don't know what to do with. In my third year of college, I was seeing this guy. He helped me move into a flat that I was going to be staying in over the summer, and in helping with this move, he gave me a few things. A bowl, cup, etc... among the things that he gave me (bless his heart) were 2 blue ice cube trays. Because apparently everyone loves ice. These trays somehow have made it to the landfill between my bed and wall. There they have sat... for 3 years at least... not having moved once. Still in their original see through plastic wrap... what do I do with these? I've used the bowl and mug and am able to use these without thinking of this guy anymore. But these trays... every time I look at them, I think of him. AWKWARD. This guy and I no longer talk. Correction. I no longer talk to him. He still tries to talk to me. But he is married and kind of creepy and I'm not having it. I digress yet again. So... what do we do with this stuff? Another guy I know and maybe went on two dates with... gave me a little stuffed animal. I realized today, to my dismay, that this little bear is with me in Toronto, proudly standing on one of my shelves (propping up books to keep them from falling), yet this guy and I are long since over, he is also married and they are expecting a baby. Is this weird? Is it weird to hold on to these things? Out of all of the ex's that I have (don't worry, the list isn't THAT long), there are maybe 2 that I still harbor any feelings from, neither of which really gave me much, both of whom have long moved on. I have moved on as well, but I still have that little twinge in my heart when I think of them, you know? Anyways... I guess I wrote all of that to say... is it weird/ok/indifferent and whatever, to hold on to these things when I hold no real emotional attachment to them? (and does anyone want/need plastic blue, never been used, still in the original package, ice cube trays?)
Night and blessings
Deena

subtle reminders...

Today was a busy but relaxing day. Full of loads of physical pain, but much laughter and joy as well.
Mom and I went shopping today, to a new mall that has opened within half an hour from our house, which is fabulous because we are used to driving about an hour through heavy traffic to get to a mall with shops that we like. It was my first time there today. We didn't even make it through the whole mall. It was quite lovely actually.
Upon arrival, Mom and I first spotted one of our favorite stores. A store really for women who are a bit more mature than me, or who are working jobs which require you to look professional all the time. I have been searching for good performance tops for a long time, so I decided to look for some of those and Mom browsed around as well. The woman helping us was a gem. You could tell that she truly enjoyed her job, she was helping us find all sorts of treasures and at one point, when I thought I had found all I could find, she lead me around the store, holding out shirts, with me saying 'yes or no', and then picking out my size for me when i did say yes. We actually found a few more tops from me, due to her diligence in helping us. She was lovely, friendly, nice. The other mall that we used to go to all the time has the same store. There was a lady in this store that we always seemed to get. For some reason, she rubbed me the wrong way. She hovered. There was just something about her that bothered me and I never looked forward to going to that store, though it is one of my favorites. This lady at the new mall, however, was a gem and I would definitely go back again. First impressions can mean a lot. It is funny what people remember about you or about a place.
A friend from my college was working at a store there as well and we stopped by to say hi. I'm actually going to go from brunch with her on Wednesday and I am rather looking forward to it! It was funny because one of the first things she said to me after we hugged was 'still playing with your hair I see?". To my chagrin, I was... currently... doing just that... haha. I find it hilarious what other people remember about me. If I was to tell you what I thought she would remember about me, it would not be that I tend to twirl my hair incessantly. But this got me to thinking... her and I have had some bad spats in the past. All of which I could blame on myself. Yet somehow this girl still cares for me, likes who I am, is excited to see me and wants to hang out with me. How is this possible? I hope, in the years to come, if we lose touch or if I die, or something happens... that she is able to remember the good and forget the bad. I hope this for all of my friendships. But then I think... in how many of my friendships does the good outweigh the bad? All of them, I hope. But some... I wonder. This frightens me and challenges me. To become a better friend. I have been given multiple chances by many of my friends... something that I appreciate and try not to take for granted. But I realize in some friendships I have done just that. I feel guilty just thinking about it. So this is a challenge for me, for you, for everyone. To not take those around us for granted. To truly care about them. To ask them how they are doing and mean to. To take time to actually listen to what they have to say, not control and take over the entire conversation. To look them in the eyes, to love them, the cherish. To hug them or hold them when they need to cry. To celebrate with them. Lets try. Lets try to love others as we wish to be loved. Just a thought. Might make for a better world, one person at a time. Everyone needs someone. I'd like to be that someone for a few people in my lifetime. Wouldn't you?
Blessings
De

I like to write...

I don't know that I'm great at it. My English skills have definitely decreased since being drilled over and over about how to write by Mr. Persaud in high school. But I do like to write. I find it relaxing and stress free. After a recent trip to see my brilliant natural pathic doctor, I've decided that I need to write more. She told me that my body is doing well (which is the first time in a LONG time that I have heard this news), but that I am dealing with too much stress. I am not one to readily let go of the things that are going on in my life. But I do find that if I am able to find the time to sit down at write about them, 'talk them through' (with myself, if you will), I am a bit less stressed out about them.
A few years ago, I tried to write every day. Just to see what would happen. Of course, I failed at this. Haha. I have a problem with commitment. So I am not going to set a specific goal. But I am going to write more. About life. About my constant struggle to get in shape and feel healthier. About singing and my daily studying. About striving to be a better Christian and over all person. Of course a few boys will pop in every now and then :o) but I will try my best to leave arguments with friends and family out of the picture.
So, today I start.
It has been a lazy day. Waking up late, spending too much time on the computer in the morning, checking the e-mails and playing a few games. I finished the book Bel Canto today, by Ann Patchett. For me, starting this book was like pulling teeth. I read about 8 books at a time, and it was very difficult for me to keep with this one for long. I was board after about 100 pages. Finally, though, I was determined to finish it, and as I kept going on with it, it did get more and more interesting. Though the ending left me feeling nothing but terrible (because it did not have the happy ending I had wished), I find myself wanting to explore more of Mrs. Patchett's novels. I feel that I will one day.
I long to practice. However, I am very loud and when I am at home, there is an unspoken agreement that I do not practice when my Dad is home. Tomorrow... tomorrow he goes back to work. Tomorrow, however, Mom and I are planning on going to the mall. But I need to practice. Maybe I will get up early. It's been a lazy lazy day. My body is sore from doing an hour of intense yoga yesterday, but I am determined to do more today. Instead of yoga, however, I am doing this... haha. Go figure :o) My body feels a bit weird and I have a bit of a headache. Normal things for someone with fibromyalgia, but very annoying things as well.
I should get to it. Doing some yoga. Maybe then some more reading or studying my Italian. Yes, this is what I need to do. Study the Italian.
My pastor said a while back that he thinks it is hilarious how many people blog about their lives. He jokingly said that he has read some of these blogs and honestly... they are not that interesting! It's true. I apologize if you read this and are bored to tears. I am choosing to write about my day to day life and a therapeutic way to de-stress. If I bore you... don't keep reading :o)
Have a fantastic day.
blessings,
Deena