All That I Know Is I'm Breathing...

I've been wondering a lot lately about relationships. Romantic relationships. Why do most people feel that they need a relationship in order to be happy? In order to feel full, content? I have a handful of people in my life who seem to always need to be in a relationship. They are not happy unless they are in one and as soon as one ends, they are out searching for the next. I don't understand. They seem miserable without someone on their arm.
Where did this mindset come from? Movies? Tv? The media? Likely. Even romantic books... society has programed us to believe that singleness is bad. There are some people out there who, upon hearing that you are single, will give you 'that look' (you know what I'm talking about) and give you a sympathetic "I'm sure you'll find someone soon". I find this disgusting. I am single by choice. Is that ok? Is that allowed?
Sometimes I am lonely. Tonight for instance. Last night even. I wished I had someone that I could be with. To share a moment with. But though i would not turn down a guy that I felt was right for me at this time in my life, I am generally content and happy without being in a relationship. Believe me, this shocks even me.
Yet lately I've also realized just how human I am... just how needy I am. A while ago, I wrote about my mail room stalker. The guy who stares at me constantly, bows to me, asks me out on a weekly basis. This has been happening for months. Once in a while though, he will find someone else to follow around. When this happens, he virtually ignores me. Nothing comes my way. Which is generally fine, but I must admit that sometimes I am saddened by this. It is always a nice feeling to know that someone out there is interested in you. It just really is. For the past week and a bit, he has been doing the ignoring. Someone else has come along. That's fine. Today, however, he came out of the door and stood in the hallway staring at me for a good minute. I was aware of him but hadn't let him know that I was aware. Finally I looked at him and gave him kind of a 'what?!" look and he just shrugged and smiled. Weird. Yet somewhat... somehow... it made me fee good. Nice. Am I really that shallow and needy?
I want to find my worth in God. Not in what guys think of me. I want to fall deeper and deeper in love with my creator. I don't want to run from one guy to the next. Aside from a few small flings and one more substantial... 'thing'... (depending on the day, I will call the guy involved my boyfriend or refer to the situation as 'a guy I was seeing'. Not really sure what we were...), I have been virtually single for about 2 years now. But really, is there anything wrong with that? Society would lead me to believe so. Even some peers lead me to think as much. I find that often people don't buy that I am happy being single. Like I said earlier, there are times when a relationship is all that I want... sometimes I wonder if I am too picky. Sometimes I think that the timing is just off. I am interested in someone, and they are not, but then if they become interested, I am over it... it's all a ridiculous little game.
So I chose to wait. I chose to be happy, be content with where I'm at, with what I am doing, with the career that I am pursuing. If a great guy comes along, that is wonderful, I will give him a chance. If not... well, that's fine. I'm ok with that. I don't need a relationship to be happy. And if I did... I would seriously question myself... I would have to sit down and figure out what was really going on... because in the scheme of life wealth, possessions, relationships... they all fall short. They are not what make people happy. It is YOU. You are the catalyst in making yourself happy. So if you're not happy... look inside... what's going on there? Figure it out.
Like I've said before, I like to sit in my emotions. I did so tonight while playing my guitar. We are allowed to have and experience all types of emotions... but if you are constantly unhappy... take a look at yourself... or get someone to help you... see the good. But also examine what is making you so upset. It's important. Happiness, joy... these are important in life.
Today my mind has been going almost crazy... jumping from one thought to the next. Relationships to pain, which I have been in a lot of lately... and one thing I can't help but wonder is, what does it feel like to be normal? To not have constant pain in your legs... or right now my left knee and upper back... What an incredible thing it must be to have a normal body. I'm not going to lie, there are times, right now being on of them, that I am jealous of those of you who do not suffer from this every minute of the day... sometimes it is almost unbearable. But those are the moments that I know and realize that God is with me the most. Because He carries me through those moments. There is no way I could go at this alone.
I digress. What did I even say? ...what is it like to feel normal? Honestly?
Buonasera,
Deena