Never in a million years did I ever think that I would be writing an obituary for my dog... yet this is what I sit down right now to do. What do you say in an obituary anyway? I don't read them... I don't write them... and to write one for a dog seems to create even more challenges.
Yet my dear Moms has requested this of me. So I will do it, because she needs me to. Because she wants me to.
It is hard, Lady finally passing. The tears flowed freely today as Mom held the phone up to her ear and I told her through tears that I loved her and that she was wonderful... I know she couldn't hear me, she was fairly deaf towards the end... but I knew it was there...
Lady was wonderful. Sometimes, when I was coming home to visit, Mom would tell Lady and she would start wagging her tail. It's like she got it. We had her for about 7 years, and she was 13 when she passed. What a beautiful girl. What a beautiful life she had. She was the most happy, kind, beautiful, caring (in a way that only a dog can) and loveable creature... she was loved by the community and by our family, so here is my attempt to share with our town, who knew her well, that our dear, sweet girl has passed. But I can see her frolicking... her legs working again, her breathing normal... in Heaven... over hills and through valleys... and I know God gave her a huge hug for us when she bounded her way up to Him to great Him. C.S. Lewis believes that animals go to Heaven. I finally agree.
As I sat down to write, I had a few false starts... and while trying to make my words come together, Mom sent me something beautiful and perfect. I merely added a line or two.
So Lady... here you go hun... from Moms
LADY - She was every bit a Lady, she did not have the greatest start
in life (she was found on the streets of Airdrie as a puppy), but she
had a tremendous finish. She was loved so much, treasured and adored,
the best companion, in turn she gave us unconditional love. Our hearts
are aching, she will be missed tremendously. God bless you, precious
Lady, you were the best.
She was very much a part of this community. Thank you all for being a part of her life.
With all our love, your family, Tom, Ruby, Deena, Jeff and Olivia
Please pray for our family... Mom especially... because she was around her constantly... as we grieve, as we heal. She was a BIG part of our family. So this pain... this pain will take a long time to get over.
Thanks so much
love and blessings
De
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
All That I Know Is I'm Breathing...
I've been wondering a lot lately about relationships. Romantic relationships. Why do most people feel that they need a relationship in order to be happy? In order to feel full, content? I have a handful of people in my life who seem to always need to be in a relationship. They are not happy unless they are in one and as soon as one ends, they are out searching for the next. I don't understand. They seem miserable without someone on their arm.
Where did this mindset come from? Movies? Tv? The media? Likely. Even romantic books... society has programed us to believe that singleness is bad. There are some people out there who, upon hearing that you are single, will give you 'that look' (you know what I'm talking about) and give you a sympathetic "I'm sure you'll find someone soon". I find this disgusting. I am single by choice. Is that ok? Is that allowed?
Sometimes I am lonely. Tonight for instance. Last night even. I wished I had someone that I could be with. To share a moment with. But though i would not turn down a guy that I felt was right for me at this time in my life, I am generally content and happy without being in a relationship. Believe me, this shocks even me.
Yet lately I've also realized just how human I am... just how needy I am. A while ago, I wrote about my mail room stalker. The guy who stares at me constantly, bows to me, asks me out on a weekly basis. This has been happening for months. Once in a while though, he will find someone else to follow around. When this happens, he virtually ignores me. Nothing comes my way. Which is generally fine, but I must admit that sometimes I am saddened by this. It is always a nice feeling to know that someone out there is interested in you. It just really is. For the past week and a bit, he has been doing the ignoring. Someone else has come along. That's fine. Today, however, he came out of the door and stood in the hallway staring at me for a good minute. I was aware of him but hadn't let him know that I was aware. Finally I looked at him and gave him kind of a 'what?!" look and he just shrugged and smiled. Weird. Yet somewhat... somehow... it made me fee good. Nice. Am I really that shallow and needy?
I want to find my worth in God. Not in what guys think of me. I want to fall deeper and deeper in love with my creator. I don't want to run from one guy to the next. Aside from a few small flings and one more substantial... 'thing'... (depending on the day, I will call the guy involved my boyfriend or refer to the situation as 'a guy I was seeing'. Not really sure what we were...), I have been virtually single for about 2 years now. But really, is there anything wrong with that? Society would lead me to believe so. Even some peers lead me to think as much. I find that often people don't buy that I am happy being single. Like I said earlier, there are times when a relationship is all that I want... sometimes I wonder if I am too picky. Sometimes I think that the timing is just off. I am interested in someone, and they are not, but then if they become interested, I am over it... it's all a ridiculous little game.
So I chose to wait. I chose to be happy, be content with where I'm at, with what I am doing, with the career that I am pursuing. If a great guy comes along, that is wonderful, I will give him a chance. If not... well, that's fine. I'm ok with that. I don't need a relationship to be happy. And if I did... I would seriously question myself... I would have to sit down and figure out what was really going on... because in the scheme of life wealth, possessions, relationships... they all fall short. They are not what make people happy. It is YOU. You are the catalyst in making yourself happy. So if you're not happy... look inside... what's going on there? Figure it out.
Like I've said before, I like to sit in my emotions. I did so tonight while playing my guitar. We are allowed to have and experience all types of emotions... but if you are constantly unhappy... take a look at yourself... or get someone to help you... see the good. But also examine what is making you so upset. It's important. Happiness, joy... these are important in life.
Today my mind has been going almost crazy... jumping from one thought to the next. Relationships to pain, which I have been in a lot of lately... and one thing I can't help but wonder is, what does it feel like to be normal? To not have constant pain in your legs... or right now my left knee and upper back... What an incredible thing it must be to have a normal body. I'm not going to lie, there are times, right now being on of them, that I am jealous of those of you who do not suffer from this every minute of the day... sometimes it is almost unbearable. But those are the moments that I know and realize that God is with me the most. Because He carries me through those moments. There is no way I could go at this alone.
I digress. What did I even say? ...what is it like to feel normal? Honestly?
Buonasera,
Deena
Where did this mindset come from? Movies? Tv? The media? Likely. Even romantic books... society has programed us to believe that singleness is bad. There are some people out there who, upon hearing that you are single, will give you 'that look' (you know what I'm talking about) and give you a sympathetic "I'm sure you'll find someone soon". I find this disgusting. I am single by choice. Is that ok? Is that allowed?
Sometimes I am lonely. Tonight for instance. Last night even. I wished I had someone that I could be with. To share a moment with. But though i would not turn down a guy that I felt was right for me at this time in my life, I am generally content and happy without being in a relationship. Believe me, this shocks even me.
Yet lately I've also realized just how human I am... just how needy I am. A while ago, I wrote about my mail room stalker. The guy who stares at me constantly, bows to me, asks me out on a weekly basis. This has been happening for months. Once in a while though, he will find someone else to follow around. When this happens, he virtually ignores me. Nothing comes my way. Which is generally fine, but I must admit that sometimes I am saddened by this. It is always a nice feeling to know that someone out there is interested in you. It just really is. For the past week and a bit, he has been doing the ignoring. Someone else has come along. That's fine. Today, however, he came out of the door and stood in the hallway staring at me for a good minute. I was aware of him but hadn't let him know that I was aware. Finally I looked at him and gave him kind of a 'what?!" look and he just shrugged and smiled. Weird. Yet somewhat... somehow... it made me fee good. Nice. Am I really that shallow and needy?
I want to find my worth in God. Not in what guys think of me. I want to fall deeper and deeper in love with my creator. I don't want to run from one guy to the next. Aside from a few small flings and one more substantial... 'thing'... (depending on the day, I will call the guy involved my boyfriend or refer to the situation as 'a guy I was seeing'. Not really sure what we were...), I have been virtually single for about 2 years now. But really, is there anything wrong with that? Society would lead me to believe so. Even some peers lead me to think as much. I find that often people don't buy that I am happy being single. Like I said earlier, there are times when a relationship is all that I want... sometimes I wonder if I am too picky. Sometimes I think that the timing is just off. I am interested in someone, and they are not, but then if they become interested, I am over it... it's all a ridiculous little game.
So I chose to wait. I chose to be happy, be content with where I'm at, with what I am doing, with the career that I am pursuing. If a great guy comes along, that is wonderful, I will give him a chance. If not... well, that's fine. I'm ok with that. I don't need a relationship to be happy. And if I did... I would seriously question myself... I would have to sit down and figure out what was really going on... because in the scheme of life wealth, possessions, relationships... they all fall short. They are not what make people happy. It is YOU. You are the catalyst in making yourself happy. So if you're not happy... look inside... what's going on there? Figure it out.
Like I've said before, I like to sit in my emotions. I did so tonight while playing my guitar. We are allowed to have and experience all types of emotions... but if you are constantly unhappy... take a look at yourself... or get someone to help you... see the good. But also examine what is making you so upset. It's important. Happiness, joy... these are important in life.
Today my mind has been going almost crazy... jumping from one thought to the next. Relationships to pain, which I have been in a lot of lately... and one thing I can't help but wonder is, what does it feel like to be normal? To not have constant pain in your legs... or right now my left knee and upper back... What an incredible thing it must be to have a normal body. I'm not going to lie, there are times, right now being on of them, that I am jealous of those of you who do not suffer from this every minute of the day... sometimes it is almost unbearable. But those are the moments that I know and realize that God is with me the most. Because He carries me through those moments. There is no way I could go at this alone.
I digress. What did I even say? ...what is it like to feel normal? Honestly?
Buonasera,
Deena
Sunday, September 6, 2009
sometimes I do not understand my life...
This has been a weird week. A good week. But definitely an interesting one to say the least. Many things have happened to me, many changes, both good and seemingly negative. Through it all, I am happy. I am content. I am reaching out and learning and growing. It is good. But then random things happen that, for some reason, shake you... this is one of those things. Though it seems like nothing and we laughed about it... it really got to me and I did not feel safe until I entered my house and locked the door.
I decided that I wanted to see a movie tonight. I figure I should before my life gets so busy that I don't have the desire or the energy to do so. So I called up a few friends and Mel, Erica and I decided to go see 500 Days of Summer. Fantastic movie by the way. Definitely worth seeing.
Now I'm a fairly observant person. I didn't really think much of the next few events until something happened later.
Erica and I met at Second Cup to grab a drink before the movie. There was a small Asian man in the store as well and he also ended up going to the movie theater. Erica and I arrived before Mel did, so we got in line and got our tickets the old fashion way. He was behind us in line. Erica was first up, I was second, and he ended up at the till that she had just been occupying. I heard him ask for the same movie as us and just thought it kind of strange that this guy would be seeing the movie. Took a small note of it, but nothing more. We met up with Mel and headed to the theater. When we got there, the first few rows were completely empty and we just ended up in the first row (it has this great railing that you can put your feet on without getting yelled on. Fantastic spot).
The movie was hilarious. Erica is brilliant to go to the theater with because she's so passionate about what's going on on screen :o) Haha I love it.
After the movie, we stuck around to watch the credits. I don't know... we all get a kick out of seeing peoples names and wanted to see the music credits as well. When we got up to leave, we were getting our stuff together and bam. The man is right behind us and he looks at us and asks us if we're in the 'industry'. Um... no. No we're not. "Oh no? You look like you're in the industry". Sorry. We're not. "Well, what are you in?" "Umm... the arts and medicine". "Oh. *looks at me* Why are you wearing a hat?" *nervous laughter* "Because I like hats?" and we leave... And he leaves with us... We head for the bathroom to put some space between us. We leave and see him hovering around the snack bar. We keep walking briskly and he sees us and comes after us. On the escalator we're stuck behind someone and the man is close behind us. As we exit the theater, we decide to go to Chapters. Surely he won't follow us in there... Clearly we're wrong.
We enter, so does he. This is a 3 story Chapters, so we think that we can lose him. We head to the second floor, which consists of a set apart music area and a Starbucks. As we're walking to the next escalator, we see our friend Chris in the music store and nearly attack him with happiness. We chat with him for a while. Man comes in and hovers, all around the small area, as we chat with Chris and try to think of a way to escape. We decide to split up in twos to see what will happen. Erica stays with Chris in the music store, while Mel and I head upstairs to see if they have any text books she needs for school.
Lucky us, he is suddenly upstairs and 'just happens' to end up in every single section than we end up in. Eventually we head back downstairs, to see how Erica and Chris are doing.
Now Chris, Chris is a good guy. The man has stayed upstairs, but by the railing right by the escalator so he can see us if we leave where we are. So Chris has decided that he will go to the escalator and chat the guy up if he tries to follow us. He must have succeeded, I have yet to hear his side of the story. We make a break for it. Erica is literally running out of the store, I'm sure they thought we were stealing. She runs to her bike and got home safe. Mel and I book it to Queen street so we can be surrounded by the masses.
Even on the subway, I was nervous. All of us were. Until we got home and were locked in our houses. I made the calls around, knowing that we all were safe, but just needing to hear it.
Now we are all strong, smart women. We can all take care of ourselves, stand up for ourselves, protect ourselves if we need to. But this situation just made us feel so vulnerable. I mean, Erica and I are both tall women. We had inches on this guy. Yet we felt vulnerable. We felt... violated.
It's a weird feeling. Being followed. I've been followed before, by guys who usually have been flirty or whatever and it's not that unnerving. They seem innocent enough and it doesn't feel that awkward. Sometimes the guy who constantly asks me out at work freaks me out. He'll stand outside of the shop and just stare at me for 30 seconds before walking away. All the girls know about him. I don't think he would do anything foolish. Sometimes I feel unnerved. Usually I feel ok with him.
But this guy. Though I could clearly take him out if anything were to happen. Though there were 3 of us. Though there were always people around. It can just make a woman feel so.... used.
I understand and get that women are not meant to be helpless and necessarily 'need' a man anymore. We're supposed to be these strong feminist types who can be independent and do things for themselves. But I don't always feel like a strong woman. This man, he made me feel so... small. Men are supposed to protect us. Men are supposed to make us feel safe. They are supposed to come to our rescue, like Dave did when Abby and I got our third flat tire on the side of the road in the middle of the night. THAT is what men are supposed to do. No matter how strong we make ourselves look. No matter how confident we appear. I know I need that protection. Tonight, when I saw Chris, I felt instant relief. Here is a good guy. A guy that I don't know well. But I know that he is a good guy. I know that he won't let anything happen to us. I know that he will help us with this situation.
Earlier this week, a random guy started talking to me in a tea shop. But he wasn't creepy and I felt instantly at ease. I felt like I had known him for years. And when he gave me his number at the end of our encounter, I knew that this was a guy that I would want to get to know.
So it is not every man. It is not every stranger that talks to me. I think I can read people pretty well. And this man... there was something not right there.
Mel thinks he was following me, because he came after us to the third floor. I don't know if I agree with that necessarily. But I do know that I still feel unnerved. I feel, like I've already said, violated. What makes any man think that he has the right to do that to us? And why are we, why am I, so willing to give him the power to make me feel so useless and afraid? That's the real question.
Blessings and love
Deena
I decided that I wanted to see a movie tonight. I figure I should before my life gets so busy that I don't have the desire or the energy to do so. So I called up a few friends and Mel, Erica and I decided to go see 500 Days of Summer. Fantastic movie by the way. Definitely worth seeing.
Now I'm a fairly observant person. I didn't really think much of the next few events until something happened later.
Erica and I met at Second Cup to grab a drink before the movie. There was a small Asian man in the store as well and he also ended up going to the movie theater. Erica and I arrived before Mel did, so we got in line and got our tickets the old fashion way. He was behind us in line. Erica was first up, I was second, and he ended up at the till that she had just been occupying. I heard him ask for the same movie as us and just thought it kind of strange that this guy would be seeing the movie. Took a small note of it, but nothing more. We met up with Mel and headed to the theater. When we got there, the first few rows were completely empty and we just ended up in the first row (it has this great railing that you can put your feet on without getting yelled on. Fantastic spot).
The movie was hilarious. Erica is brilliant to go to the theater with because she's so passionate about what's going on on screen :o) Haha I love it.
After the movie, we stuck around to watch the credits. I don't know... we all get a kick out of seeing peoples names and wanted to see the music credits as well. When we got up to leave, we were getting our stuff together and bam. The man is right behind us and he looks at us and asks us if we're in the 'industry'. Um... no. No we're not. "Oh no? You look like you're in the industry". Sorry. We're not. "Well, what are you in?" "Umm... the arts and medicine". "Oh. *looks at me* Why are you wearing a hat?" *nervous laughter* "Because I like hats?" and we leave... And he leaves with us... We head for the bathroom to put some space between us. We leave and see him hovering around the snack bar. We keep walking briskly and he sees us and comes after us. On the escalator we're stuck behind someone and the man is close behind us. As we exit the theater, we decide to go to Chapters. Surely he won't follow us in there... Clearly we're wrong.
We enter, so does he. This is a 3 story Chapters, so we think that we can lose him. We head to the second floor, which consists of a set apart music area and a Starbucks. As we're walking to the next escalator, we see our friend Chris in the music store and nearly attack him with happiness. We chat with him for a while. Man comes in and hovers, all around the small area, as we chat with Chris and try to think of a way to escape. We decide to split up in twos to see what will happen. Erica stays with Chris in the music store, while Mel and I head upstairs to see if they have any text books she needs for school.
Lucky us, he is suddenly upstairs and 'just happens' to end up in every single section than we end up in. Eventually we head back downstairs, to see how Erica and Chris are doing.
Now Chris, Chris is a good guy. The man has stayed upstairs, but by the railing right by the escalator so he can see us if we leave where we are. So Chris has decided that he will go to the escalator and chat the guy up if he tries to follow us. He must have succeeded, I have yet to hear his side of the story. We make a break for it. Erica is literally running out of the store, I'm sure they thought we were stealing. She runs to her bike and got home safe. Mel and I book it to Queen street so we can be surrounded by the masses.
Even on the subway, I was nervous. All of us were. Until we got home and were locked in our houses. I made the calls around, knowing that we all were safe, but just needing to hear it.
Now we are all strong, smart women. We can all take care of ourselves, stand up for ourselves, protect ourselves if we need to. But this situation just made us feel so vulnerable. I mean, Erica and I are both tall women. We had inches on this guy. Yet we felt vulnerable. We felt... violated.
It's a weird feeling. Being followed. I've been followed before, by guys who usually have been flirty or whatever and it's not that unnerving. They seem innocent enough and it doesn't feel that awkward. Sometimes the guy who constantly asks me out at work freaks me out. He'll stand outside of the shop and just stare at me for 30 seconds before walking away. All the girls know about him. I don't think he would do anything foolish. Sometimes I feel unnerved. Usually I feel ok with him.
But this guy. Though I could clearly take him out if anything were to happen. Though there were 3 of us. Though there were always people around. It can just make a woman feel so.... used.
I understand and get that women are not meant to be helpless and necessarily 'need' a man anymore. We're supposed to be these strong feminist types who can be independent and do things for themselves. But I don't always feel like a strong woman. This man, he made me feel so... small. Men are supposed to protect us. Men are supposed to make us feel safe. They are supposed to come to our rescue, like Dave did when Abby and I got our third flat tire on the side of the road in the middle of the night. THAT is what men are supposed to do. No matter how strong we make ourselves look. No matter how confident we appear. I know I need that protection. Tonight, when I saw Chris, I felt instant relief. Here is a good guy. A guy that I don't know well. But I know that he is a good guy. I know that he won't let anything happen to us. I know that he will help us with this situation.
Earlier this week, a random guy started talking to me in a tea shop. But he wasn't creepy and I felt instantly at ease. I felt like I had known him for years. And when he gave me his number at the end of our encounter, I knew that this was a guy that I would want to get to know.
So it is not every man. It is not every stranger that talks to me. I think I can read people pretty well. And this man... there was something not right there.
Mel thinks he was following me, because he came after us to the third floor. I don't know if I agree with that necessarily. But I do know that I still feel unnerved. I feel, like I've already said, violated. What makes any man think that he has the right to do that to us? And why are we, why am I, so willing to give him the power to make me feel so useless and afraid? That's the real question.
Blessings and love
Deena
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