Ants

When I was younger, I used to have these moments of terror. I would go out into the backyard, where, under my brothers bedroom window was a flower bed where my Mom predictably always grew the same type of flowers every summer, while also tending to the 2 bushes that hibernated during the winter. This flower bed, however, was always infested with ants in the one corner. For some reason, they just loved it there and no matter what my Mom would do, they always found their way back to that one corner. Their home. During my reigns of terror, I would stomp on the ants, killing as many as possible, feeling completely in control. As soon as the massacre was over, I would immediately be flooded with a feeling of guilt as I watched the other ants swarm around their brothers and sisters, dragging their smushed up bodies back to the corner. I felt terrible. What had I done? My moments or terror did not last very long. Eventually my wonderfully fine tuned conscience won over and I would step over as many ants as possible, not wanting to kill any more of them. Hoping that by sparing these ones, I would somehow be freed from the guilt of killing so many.
To this day, if I see a spider or a fly, I have a difficult time killing them and will only do it in extreme circumstances (These extreme circumstances being things such as: a fear of the spider crawling into my mouth as I sleep, or a fly not leaving me alone for an hour... mosquitoes, poor souls, are exempt from this however, and will always get squashed. It is a sad truth. I have no patience for them). As I finished reading the beautiful novel, The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, tonight, a thought washed over me. Were my moments of terror as a pre-teen brought on by the need to feel in control? To feel important? In these poor ants lives, I was a giant monster and in these moments, I was extremely important and in control. I do not think that I have control issues necessarily, but I do like to have a handle of things and become a little agitated when I do not know what is going on (who am I kidding? Control issues abound in my life).
This must be why I am thrown out of sorts when something happens that is beyond my control, but affects me deeply. Which is what has been going on as of late. Through a series of events (or non-events really...), I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that the man that is always at the back of my mind when another guy asks me out, the man whom I always want to tell exciting things to when they happen, the man that I one day wanted to walk down a long aisle towards... when this man seemingly forgot that I existed... I realized that this is truly not the man for me. This realization was simultaneously terrifying and heart breaking. I was not in control of this situation. It bothered me. This is one of the main things that bothers me about relationships. I realize that it is not possible for one person to be in control, but I think it is important to share control. This was not happening in this instance. He had all of the control, held all of the cards. It was not right.
Though I am heartbroken and still feeling completely guilty about those ants, I realize that he is not the one for me. At least not in this moment, and may not be for years to come. Because when you care about someone, you want to talk to them. You want to start conversation with them. You want to see them. You want to share important and exciting things that are happening in your life with them. This was not happening on his end, yet it was happening on my end in abundance. Maybe I scared him away. Sometimes I think that maybe he just got caught up in school... But I of all people understand getting caught up in school. And I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that you can make time for important people.
I guess I was not important. Once again I was not good enough. Once again love glanced in my direction, then looked the other way. Once again, I lost control.
But I have a friend who says that I will be okay. That, and the promises and hope of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ get me through. I will be okay. Maybe not today, definitely not tomorrow, but someday. One day. In time.
Blessings and love
Deena