first love

I don't think that you ever forget your first love. I met mine when I was 16, but didn't start a relationship until a few years later. It was long distance for 2 years and though we never actually saw each other during that time (but have since), we were extremely emotionally involved. He would call multiple times a day (much to the chagrin of his family because of the expensive phone bills. Calling over seas... not cheap). But the sweetest thing I remember about this time is the letters. We used to write each other 30 to 50 page letters. We couldn't stop. We would write down everything that happened in our day, not wanting the other person to miss out on anything. As I was working a secretary job at the time (and wasn't really busy at all), the letters got longer and longer... soon gifts were involved and it was such a wonderful time in my life. I actually used to scent my letters with my perfume (gag, I know. Pathetic) and one guy actually walked into his room once, picked up the letter, smelled it, put it down and walked out. haha! I never will forget that. He wrote me a poem to tell me that he loved me and kept calling nervously to see if I had received that one special letter yet. I carried that letter around with me for days, showing it to anyone and everyone who would pay attention. Everything felt so happy... so right.
Now, this person and I have obviously ended it. He is actually the only ex that I keep in touch with and he is engaged to be married within a few short months. I know that he and his new wife are going to be very happy together and are much more better suited for each other. He and I have both grown and changed and I know that we could never work in a relationship now and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him now anyway. I don't miss him in a romantic way, but I do miss this time in my life... who we were back then, who we were together.
A good friend took me for lunch and a movie today. He let me pick the movie and well... honestly there wasn't much that I wanted to see so I was mean to him and chose Dear John (he'll deny it, but he wanted to see it too. I promise). It is a movie based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks and we all know what that means: someone is going to die at the end. I was ready for a sad ending and was not disappointed. But I had forgotten something going into this movie... it is about a young couple, in love obviously, and the guy is in the army. He gets sent to Afghanistan.
Without realizing what was happening, I was living the relationship of my past on screen. Obviously there were major differences. But the letters... the truth... the army... the loneliness of both of them away from each other... it felt too real. I can remember the day that I found out that my ex had joined the army. I can also remember the day that he told me that he was going to fight in Iraq and then Afghanistan. I was living in a dorm room at the time. I ran to find my roommate and fell in a heap at her feet, in tears whimpering and asking 'not everyone who goes to Iraq dies, right? Tell me they don't all die!' The army is what ultimately did us in. He actually met someone who was in a similar field, we eventually drifted... There were tears on my side for many months. But we remained friends and when my family traveled across the ocean to visit his, it wasn't awkward. We had a nice catch up on the pier outside his house, looking up at the stars that are so different from the ones that I know. I won't forget that night. But it had been long over before then. At that point, it was two good friends catching up. And that was that.
After watching this movie, a lot of emotions rushed back in and overtook me. And I realize that I am not over this. It is not that I'm not over him: I am. But he was my first love. That's something that I will keep with me forever. Not to blame any one person for the dysfunctional way that I am in relationships, but I always thought that my problems stemmed from someone else... a relationship that ended only a few years ago. But as I look further back, I can see that there is much more pain there from this relationship as well. It wasn't his fault. Our ending was mostly mutual. I understood. He understood. It was right. Case closed. But I have baggage. Baggage that I do not want to revisit. Baggage that I am afraid to open, because I am afraid that the truth of what I find hiding in the folds is going to overpower me. I don't know that I am strong enough for that right now.
It seems impossible to put into words what I am feeling right now... But I do know this. I know that I am happy for him and his bride. They make an incredible couple and I wish them all the best. I also know that I have to be strong and root through the rubble to find the truth to this mixed up emotion that is presently overtaking me. Because right now... it just does not make sense.
Blessings and love
Deena