Bernard Pivot

A beautiful and snowy day today, I braved the roads to catch up with 3 of my dear friends, whom I haven't seen about a year. First stop was Smitty's in Airdrie with a wonderful friend from college. It was great to catch up and chat with her. She is one of the few who doesn't have facebook and seldom frequents the internet at all. As I do not have much time for the phone, we often stay out of touch for long periods of time. It's a shame. After a delightful brunch, I headed into Calgary to meet up with an old roommate/good friend of mine from Toronto. It was also great to see and catch up with her. She keeps me laughing the whole time, which is a joy. She is such a strong person and always an inspiration to me. Then we 'tag teamed' off, where after 2 hours at the Applebees just off of Country Hills, my first year roommate and lifelong best friend came to visit and swapped places. This dear friend is such a constant reminder of Gods grace in my life. Her passion for Christ is inspiring and I long to be more like her, to have more faith, to live completely by faith. She has a very gentle spirit and kind heart. Three very different women, yet all equally beautiful people. It was a good day. I want to share some of what I learned from each of them today, but I fear that this would be getting just too personal into their lives. Lets just say that I was greatly challenged today, for the better.
Tonight Mom and I watched Serendipity (poor Mom, she had to listen to me saying "I was there!" throughout the entire show). I adore the movie, though hadn't seen it in a while. (Got it for Christmas). It was a calm evening. Nice. Peaceful.
As I don't have much to report, I decided it's time to do another rendition of the Bernard Pivot questionnaire (which is based on Proust's questionnaire, which I will likely do at some point)

1. What is your favorite word? hope
   
2. What is your least favorite word? hate (and a certain word that starts with 'c' that makes me itchy when I hear it)
   
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart and Puccini
   
4. What turns you off? cursing, smoking
   
5. What is your favorite curse word? haha see above. My brother once jokingly told me that 'debit' should be a new curse word. I still laugh whenever I hear that word. So... debit.
   
6. What sound or noise do you love? laughter, rain
   
7. What sound or noise do you hate? the subway screeching to a halt, arguing/fighting
   
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I would like to own my own coffee shop one day
   
9. What profession would you not like to do? pump gas or work fast food. I don't think that these jobs are beneath me, don't get me wrong. I just think that the fumes from the gas would make me pass out and I would weigh 300 pounds if I worked fast food... and anything having to do with sewage. Yuck.
   
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? It does exist. I'd like to hear Him say "well done good and faithful servant".
    

Night!
Blessings
Deena

Good friends and ice cube trays

I'm reading the book Julie & Julia by Julie Powell. I asked for the book for Christmas and we just happened to watch the movie this Christmas as well (fantastic movie). I finished another book that I had been gnawing on forever, and the day after watching the movie, I started the book. It's a great book... if you can over look JP's major use of a certain word that starts with F and her random comments about sex. Which I find slightly intriguing to say the least, because she is able to be talking about cannibalism or bone marrow and then BAM. Sex. Awkward. If you are able to get past these parts, and I am barely able to do so, it is a good book. I think the thing that keeps me going with it is her writing style. I think that it is brilliant. I digress. She talks about blogging, because, if you know the story at all, she decides to cook through Julia Child's first cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and blog about it all, through an entire year. She makes a comment about how many things in our lives are mundane and ordinary. But it seems that if you write it down somewhere, someone, sometime, will come along and read it, no matter how boring. Someone will be interested. We all blog to seem more important. Suddenly our mundane lives become important, have some sort of false value. I found this interesting. Am I just convincing myself that I am blogging for therapeutic reasons? Am I really just searching for a sense of belonging, a feeling of importance? Either way... the saga continues. In other news...
It was a beautiful day out today. Though much colder than it looked, as Mom and I found out when we bundled up to go for a walk and turned back to the house at the end of our back alley way. Cold. I went for supper with my high school best friend tonight. It was great to see her. We're not the best at keeping in touch, but she's one of these people that I know will always be in my life. You know those people? I think they are important. She will be one of the first people I call when I get engaged. When I get an opera gig. If/when (ack) I find out I'm pregnant. Though we don't chat often, she has been there for me through many trials, including thousands of those mild emergencies that one goes through during high school. (Oh my gosh, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME!??! what am I going to do!? My life is over..... wait. I'm still in that mindset. Goodness) If you've read the previous blog, I mentioned those people in my life that I have treated like crap and yet are still around... she is one of these people. I have pushed her away. We've had our spats (always my fault). Yet she's stood by me. The memories that we have together are irreplaceable. I truly cherish this dear friend and am so thankful to have her in my life. I used to sing in the Kwanis Music Festival every year. Every time I would perform, she would give me a note before I left, cheering me on, encouraging me, telling me to 'just breathe'. Sometimes she would even come with me to silently cheer me on, beside my Mom, in the pews of the tiny church that we would sing in. I find that now, as I do my auditions for summer programs, operas, masters degrees, every time I wish I had one of these notes. But each time, I hear in my head, her telling me to 'just breathe'. And I do. And it works. Certain friends come and go in your life. They are there for certain chapters and then slowly vanish, through no ones fault. This is just what happens. Some of these friends are priceless. This is one of the priceless friends. I'm grateful that she hasn't given up on me, in spite of all of my faults. When we find friends like this, we need to hold on to them. They are truly priceless. Once you lose one, it can sometimes be impossible to fill that void.
In other news...
When I got into bed tonight, I saw something that made me think... when is it time (or do we have to?) to give up things that ex's have given you? Due to the odd shape of my room and the placement of hot air vents, my bed is a few feet from one wall, slightly in the middle of my room. This space between my bed and wall holds my night stand, but also has become a bit of a dumping ground for things that I want to hold on to, but don't know what to do with. In my third year of college, I was seeing this guy. He helped me move into a flat that I was going to be staying in over the summer, and in helping with this move, he gave me a few things. A bowl, cup, etc... among the things that he gave me (bless his heart) were 2 blue ice cube trays. Because apparently everyone loves ice. These trays somehow have made it to the landfill between my bed and wall. There they have sat... for 3 years at least... not having moved once. Still in their original see through plastic wrap... what do I do with these? I've used the bowl and mug and am able to use these without thinking of this guy anymore. But these trays... every time I look at them, I think of him. AWKWARD. This guy and I no longer talk. Correction. I no longer talk to him. He still tries to talk to me. But he is married and kind of creepy and I'm not having it. I digress yet again. So... what do we do with this stuff? Another guy I know and maybe went on two dates with... gave me a little stuffed animal. I realized today, to my dismay, that this little bear is with me in Toronto, proudly standing on one of my shelves (propping up books to keep them from falling), yet this guy and I are long since over, he is also married and they are expecting a baby. Is this weird? Is it weird to hold on to these things? Out of all of the ex's that I have (don't worry, the list isn't THAT long), there are maybe 2 that I still harbor any feelings from, neither of which really gave me much, both of whom have long moved on. I have moved on as well, but I still have that little twinge in my heart when I think of them, you know? Anyways... I guess I wrote all of that to say... is it weird/ok/indifferent and whatever, to hold on to these things when I hold no real emotional attachment to them? (and does anyone want/need plastic blue, never been used, still in the original package, ice cube trays?)
Night and blessings
Deena

subtle reminders...

Today was a busy but relaxing day. Full of loads of physical pain, but much laughter and joy as well.
Mom and I went shopping today, to a new mall that has opened within half an hour from our house, which is fabulous because we are used to driving about an hour through heavy traffic to get to a mall with shops that we like. It was my first time there today. We didn't even make it through the whole mall. It was quite lovely actually.
Upon arrival, Mom and I first spotted one of our favorite stores. A store really for women who are a bit more mature than me, or who are working jobs which require you to look professional all the time. I have been searching for good performance tops for a long time, so I decided to look for some of those and Mom browsed around as well. The woman helping us was a gem. You could tell that she truly enjoyed her job, she was helping us find all sorts of treasures and at one point, when I thought I had found all I could find, she lead me around the store, holding out shirts, with me saying 'yes or no', and then picking out my size for me when i did say yes. We actually found a few more tops from me, due to her diligence in helping us. She was lovely, friendly, nice. The other mall that we used to go to all the time has the same store. There was a lady in this store that we always seemed to get. For some reason, she rubbed me the wrong way. She hovered. There was just something about her that bothered me and I never looked forward to going to that store, though it is one of my favorites. This lady at the new mall, however, was a gem and I would definitely go back again. First impressions can mean a lot. It is funny what people remember about you or about a place.
A friend from my college was working at a store there as well and we stopped by to say hi. I'm actually going to go from brunch with her on Wednesday and I am rather looking forward to it! It was funny because one of the first things she said to me after we hugged was 'still playing with your hair I see?". To my chagrin, I was... currently... doing just that... haha. I find it hilarious what other people remember about me. If I was to tell you what I thought she would remember about me, it would not be that I tend to twirl my hair incessantly. But this got me to thinking... her and I have had some bad spats in the past. All of which I could blame on myself. Yet somehow this girl still cares for me, likes who I am, is excited to see me and wants to hang out with me. How is this possible? I hope, in the years to come, if we lose touch or if I die, or something happens... that she is able to remember the good and forget the bad. I hope this for all of my friendships. But then I think... in how many of my friendships does the good outweigh the bad? All of them, I hope. But some... I wonder. This frightens me and challenges me. To become a better friend. I have been given multiple chances by many of my friends... something that I appreciate and try not to take for granted. But I realize in some friendships I have done just that. I feel guilty just thinking about it. So this is a challenge for me, for you, for everyone. To not take those around us for granted. To truly care about them. To ask them how they are doing and mean to. To take time to actually listen to what they have to say, not control and take over the entire conversation. To look them in the eyes, to love them, the cherish. To hug them or hold them when they need to cry. To celebrate with them. Lets try. Lets try to love others as we wish to be loved. Just a thought. Might make for a better world, one person at a time. Everyone needs someone. I'd like to be that someone for a few people in my lifetime. Wouldn't you?
Blessings
De

I like to write...

I don't know that I'm great at it. My English skills have definitely decreased since being drilled over and over about how to write by Mr. Persaud in high school. But I do like to write. I find it relaxing and stress free. After a recent trip to see my brilliant natural pathic doctor, I've decided that I need to write more. She told me that my body is doing well (which is the first time in a LONG time that I have heard this news), but that I am dealing with too much stress. I am not one to readily let go of the things that are going on in my life. But I do find that if I am able to find the time to sit down at write about them, 'talk them through' (with myself, if you will), I am a bit less stressed out about them.
A few years ago, I tried to write every day. Just to see what would happen. Of course, I failed at this. Haha. I have a problem with commitment. So I am not going to set a specific goal. But I am going to write more. About life. About my constant struggle to get in shape and feel healthier. About singing and my daily studying. About striving to be a better Christian and over all person. Of course a few boys will pop in every now and then :o) but I will try my best to leave arguments with friends and family out of the picture.
So, today I start.
It has been a lazy day. Waking up late, spending too much time on the computer in the morning, checking the e-mails and playing a few games. I finished the book Bel Canto today, by Ann Patchett. For me, starting this book was like pulling teeth. I read about 8 books at a time, and it was very difficult for me to keep with this one for long. I was board after about 100 pages. Finally, though, I was determined to finish it, and as I kept going on with it, it did get more and more interesting. Though the ending left me feeling nothing but terrible (because it did not have the happy ending I had wished), I find myself wanting to explore more of Mrs. Patchett's novels. I feel that I will one day.
I long to practice. However, I am very loud and when I am at home, there is an unspoken agreement that I do not practice when my Dad is home. Tomorrow... tomorrow he goes back to work. Tomorrow, however, Mom and I are planning on going to the mall. But I need to practice. Maybe I will get up early. It's been a lazy lazy day. My body is sore from doing an hour of intense yoga yesterday, but I am determined to do more today. Instead of yoga, however, I am doing this... haha. Go figure :o) My body feels a bit weird and I have a bit of a headache. Normal things for someone with fibromyalgia, but very annoying things as well.
I should get to it. Doing some yoga. Maybe then some more reading or studying my Italian. Yes, this is what I need to do. Study the Italian.
My pastor said a while back that he thinks it is hilarious how many people blog about their lives. He jokingly said that he has read some of these blogs and honestly... they are not that interesting! It's true. I apologize if you read this and are bored to tears. I am choosing to write about my day to day life and a therapeutic way to de-stress. If I bore you... don't keep reading :o)
Have a fantastic day.
blessings,
Deena

it's Christmastime...

It has been almost 2 months since I have written. I don't know how many people read my blog, but for those of you who do, I apologize. Sometimes I just feel like I do not have much to say... other times, I feel as if I have too much, there are too many thoughts jumbled around in my head that I can hardly make sense of them all long enough to get the words out on a page.
I'm home for Christmas right now, currently curled up in my warm, single bed, in my yellow and blue room. A room full of reminders of who I used to be... Michael W. Smith, D.C. Talk and Backstreet Boys posters still cling to the walls... stickers and little cards with sayings on them are haphazardly placed on the walls, in what was once a strategic manner I am sure. My mirror still holds pictures of old friends, the autographs of D.C. Talk and Jars of Clay... a picture of Enjolras from Les Miserables... my desk holds momentos from trips taken as a child with my family... little figurines of Mount Rushmore, Devils Tower, London Bridge... along with pictures from grad, a few dolls, stuffed animals... there is a list taped to my wall, beside my bed, with some things crossed off and some things not checked off... among the 'to do' list is 'become friends with myself'. I sheepishly notice that this is not crossed off...
Sometimes I forget who I used to be... I often have a difficult time figuring out how and when I transitioned from a shy little geek into the outgoing, outspoken fireball I am today, who dreams of the stage. I don't get it. I don't see it. I cannot clearly find that point. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe it was a combination of many different things... all melded together to form who I am today. I am sure this is it, as I am sure this is true for every other person on the planet. And yet... sometimes things happen that trigger something inside of me... and I feel like a 15 year old bashful little girl again. What makes me feel like this, you ask? It is always, forgive me, matters of the heart. It has happened yet again this week. I am 15 once more...
When people ask me if I am in a relationship, I generally laugh. I still have a difficult time realizing why anyone would want to be with me. I'm pig headed, stubborn, too focused on my non-existent career... I flip and flop between the idea of being in a relationship and not being in one... and I cannot decide which I prefer. For the first time in my life, I feel content to be single. I am happy where I am at. Focused, with goals. Yet sometimes things happen that make me want desperately to be in a relationship. To find that man. Recently, a very dear friend of mine got engaged. My heart is overflowing with love and joy for her. Unfortunately, soon after hearing this news, my fickle heart flipped on the vacant sign and I found myself longing for a relationship yet again.
It is with this attitude and mindset that I came home for Christmas, from Toronto, to my small town in Alberta. It is here that a year ago, a very tall, very handsome young man made me laugh. It was a small conversation we had. Not more than two or three sentences. But one that stuck with me throughout this past year. Because he made me laugh, a genuine laugh that warmed my soul. I did not speak of this little... intruige, if you will, to anyone. So it was, exactly a year later, in exactly the same spot, that this young man made me laugh again. This conversation was a bit longer... there was more to it. Everything was said and yet nothing at all. Laughter. I know little of him. A friend's older brother. Someone I have grown up with, and yet have never paid attention to. Someone whom I will not see again for another year. Someone whom I am too shy to get in touch with, because we have never really communicated, aside from these two short moments, each a year apart. And yet I am smitten... completely and utterly. There is no reason for this young man to like me. There is no reason for him to be attracted to me. I find it odd and a bit frustrating how matters of the heart work. How someone can obsess your mind so completely, when you know so little about them. How someones image and memory can stay so vividly in the back corners of your mind, to be carried around with you constantly, when you know without much doubt that he is not thinking of you at all. How frustrating the heart is.
Sadly, I go back to Toronto on the 6th. I will leave, having said nothing of this to him. Not even knowing how to get in touch with him even if I had the courage (which I do not). I will go on... holding this memory, this wrinkle in time, close to me... looking forward to and hoping for one more moment of laughter, in exactly a year from the last, in the exact same place, at the exact same time. Maybe next year I will have the courage to say more. Then again... maybe not.
Blessings and Merry Christmas!
Deena