Breathe deep.

It is just shy of 1 am on Wednesday, July 4th. By early evening, I will be on a flight to France, where I will be spending a month and a half, studying and performing in a summer program. Honestly? I am terrified.
I've been thinking about why I am so unexcited about going and I believe it stems back to the last opera that I performed, in April. For some reason, my voice gave out on me in my first aria. Now, it is a role that is incredibly difficult, one of the hardest for my voice type, and yet, I was not expecting this. Only by the grace of God was I able to make it through the rest of the opera, but this scared me. And I am nervous about performing again.
For me, music and God are incredibly closely intertwined. Take one away, and I am left scrambling to make sense of life. I have to admit, my walk with God has not been as on fire as it should be lately and I truly think that my previous opera disaster is a large part of that simple fact.
I practice in an old Lutheran church. Today, when I went to practice, it was later in the day and with the lights off in the chapel, it was dark but inviting. The light coming in through the stained glass windows was enough to make one feel hugged by the warm glow, in the midst of the dark pews. I laid down on the floor and looked up at the ceiling. Have you ever looked to the ceiling of an older church? It reminds me of a rib cage. As a singer, I know and understand the intricate workings of the breath, how the diaphragm is involved, how the intercostal muscles work and how it all fits together to give you the optimum breath support. In singing, breath equals life. Breath gives life to the voice and if you do not understand how to fully utilize your breathing, it will fall short. Your pitch will flatten or you will lose the brilliance. The musicality will not be there. Something will not work and though the audience may not be able to pint point what it is, they will know that something is not quite right. As I gazed into the ceiling, laying in the hazy glow of the stained glass and sang my favorite hymn, I couldn't help but tie breathing in singing with the ribs of the ceiling. Somehow the importance of God in my life all made so much sense again. The ribs of the ceiling reminded me that I cannot truly breathe without HIM, I cannot be truly happy with HIM in my life, without fully seeking HIM. Because for me, God is always in my life. Where I run into trouble is when I become a bit apathetic and stop pursuing Him. I need to pursue again. This is my problem. Pursing God in my life is like knowing how to use your breath properly when you sing. If I do not pursue Him, something is not right in my life. Something is off and though I may not be able to pinpoint what it is, I know that something is off. And as I sang my favorite line "I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free" I realized that I truly have not been happy since that opera back in April. I am too hard on myself. Here I am with this amazing opportunity to study in France and I am terrified and grumpy about it. No more. I am praying fervently for an attitude change.
I hope and pray that I go forward with a smile in my heart and a lifted spirit, knowing that I was chosen into this program for a reason. I will go forward, thinking of the ribs... I will breathe deep, taking in new positivity and life with each and every breath.
Blessings on you all this summer, I hope it is joyous and full of adventure
xoxo,
Deena