take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you...

Sometimes a circumstance will happen in our lives that, for some reason or another, can completely alter who we are for a period of time, no matter what we do to try to stop that from happening. Something happened in the past month that has made me completely question who I am... and my worth in life... and my beauty. And I despise the fact that I let this happen. That I allowed this one person to dictate my beauty and my worth to me... as a Christian, I know that it is important, nay vital, to find our my worth in Christ, not in people, not in guys. I have some friends who feel that life is not happy or complete unless they are in a relationship. I grew out of that mindset a long time ago, and have been, for the most part, content in my singleness for a long time. Even putting up walls in order to not have a relationship for fear of being hurt.
When you let someone into your life, it is a completely vulnerable thing. And you choose, in the moment, how far you will let them in. If you decide to just let go of all pretenses, be completely real and honest and live in the moment, it can be extremely scary, especially if this is the first time that you have ever entered into a relationship like this... and I think that if the relationship goes south once you have opened up this much, it can be devastating. The guy may not feel it. He may be content to move on and find someone new right away. The girl? The girl will be in pieces for months, if not years. I am in pieces.
But then I have to wonder... before I met this person, I was a confident, strong willed young woman, with a purpose and a plan for life... how has the demise of this quasi-relationship made me second guess my own worth and beauty? Why do we, as women, put our worth into the hands of guys and relationships? We look to men for approval. We need them to tell us that we are beautiful, that we are worth more than we think. We need them to pursue us and fight for us. And if they even look at us the wrong way, it can destroy the entire day. What is wrong with us? (the collective 'us'. I realize a lot of women have worked through this, but I feel that we have all been tainted by these thoughts and feelings to some extent in our lives). How have we been programed into felling this way?
Of course we can blame the media. It is just like how we blame the media for the fact that we all feel like we are 100 pounds over weight and ugly. But I think that it is deeper than that. The brilliant Eleanor Roosevelt once said that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", which I agree to be completely true. So why do we allow people to make us feel unloved? Ugly? Anytime we do, we are giving consent to the unknown person behind a certain advertisement, to an ex boyfriend, whatever. Why does the worlds opinion of us matter so much? Why are we so uncertain of our own beauty?
When I was younger, I used to make a lot of lists (I still do...). One of these lists was a 'to do' list and it made it to the wall beside my bed back at home. I haven't technically lived at home since I was 18 and it was never taken down for some reason. I see it whenever I go home and there are basic things on it like clean the bathroom and practice singing. Some of these things are crossed off and some aren't. One that isn't, that for some reason, my little teenage brain thought that I could actually put on a 'to do' list was this: become friends with yourself. What I didn't realize at the time was that we are our own worst enemies. And that becoming friends with ourselves, actually liking who we are as an individual, is something that takes time and depending on who you are, can be a daily struggle. But it is a daily struggle that we must endure and not push off to the side. We need to be able to look into the mirror and see someone that we like, our own self prescribed flaws and all. Because if we don't, we end up giving 'them', the world, the advertisers, the ex's, we give them too much power over our lives. In reality, God and I am in control of my life. We need to not let others make us feel less than beautiful, less than worthy.
I think these thoughts will come to all of us at some point in our lives. I know a man in his 60's who has made a fantastic name for himself. He is wealthy and worked his way there from nothing. He has, what appears, to be a good life. Yet he is incredibly depressed. Feels alone and worthless. So what should he do? What do I do, as I struggle daily with this crushing depression that I haven't felt for years? When you are depressed and feeling worthless, the last thing that you want to do is reach out to anyone. Yet we need to fight this nonsense and reach out to the people around us, the people who love us. Because they ARE there. And as a dear friend reminded me the other day, we need to think about the blessings in our lives.
Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Who see worth in you. It will rub off. Your thoughts about yourself will change for the better. Let them support you and help you to become the person that you were always intended to be. The confident, beautiful woman who IS worthy of love. In this, allow yourself to delve deeper into your relationship with God as well, if you are a Christian. It is truly in Him who we find our worth. And really, He has given us the ultimate gift of life and love. God is love. There is no denying that. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Soren Kierkegaard; "Now, with God's help, I shall become myself". Let's allow that to be true in our lives.
Blessings and love
Deena

currently listening to: Look What You've Done by Jet
currently reading: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Giacomo Puccini by Conrad Wilson