Doctors and new beginnings...

I am grumpy. But it's a different grumpy... a weird grumpy. A grumpy I have never known before.
Today, after church, I had to go to the doctor to have an incredibly evasive test done. (everything is fine, don't worry). But it's the type of test that, if/when you have it done for the very first time, you feel so utterly and completely violated afterwards... and after finding out that everything is going to be ok, you become weary with relief. Incredibly drained because all of the worry and fear that you were trying to ignore suddenly disappears and you feel... different. Free. But in a not so free way. It is hard to explain. It is the type of thing where, after it is done, you go back to your apartment, curl up in an afghan with your cat and cry and sleep. This has been my day.
It is extremely psychological. And for someone who thinks too much about everything to begin with (but really, what girl doesn't?), it was exhausting. This is why I am grumpy. This is why I feel disgusting today. This is why I walked to work in an old t-shirt and sweat pants... and why I yelled at a man in my head for calling me beautiful, when I know darn well that I'm not (at least today). But this yelling in my head (I am the epitome of passive-aggressive) made me stop for a second and think.
Most of the people that we meet in our day, or interact with in our day, have no idea what we have already experienced. The people that I encountered later at work, had no clue that I had just had an emotionally draining day. The people whom I communicated with through facebook and e-mail didn't either. No idea. I have a problem with suffering in silence. There are a lot of things I simply choose not to complain about or talk about, because I do not see the point. Yet then, how are people to know or understand when I am dealing with something big in my life?
I go through life thinking that everyone should be able to read my thoughts. How naive. Looking back, I really think that this behavior came about when I was first diagnosed with firbomyalgia. When I was first diagnosed, I complained all the time, wanted people to pity me. Then something changed. After reading a verse in the Bible, in the book of John, my attitude changed. I tried to complain less. I had a new outlook on life, on my condition. But this being said, I stopped asking for help, even though I needed it. I think I grew to be silently proud. One of my ex's was perfect for me. He learned not to ask if he could help me, but just do things for me, grabbing heavy loads of out my hands, opening doors for me (though I tried not to let him), always giving me a seat if there was only one available (and when I tried not to let him, making me). It was good for me. After we broke up, I went back to my old habits though. Though this was 7 years ago, I am still in conflict with these habits.
I am so open with every part of my life, you all know that if you want to know something about me, no matter how personal, all you have to do is ask. Yet I am too prideful to ask for help... and I expect it from people... and get upset when they do not help me, even though I do not ask them. I just want them to know. I very much dislike that I am like this... can you please pray for me to change this mindset, to change my ways? It will take a while... but with God's help, I shall become myself. The person I am meant to be. One little annoying nuance at a time. I long to be the woman that He desires me to be. This is why I ask for your help. This is why I write. This is why I communicate with all of you. As someone who works almost all of the time, I need a lot of alone time to be able to survive. You, my friends whom I have met over the years, you have become a community that I can rely on and I am so blessed to have every one of you in my life. Thank you.
Much love,
Deena